


He’s going to ruin your life with it. I mean, I would.

by ArabellaTurner



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Comfort, Depression, Everybody Lives, Everybody is an idiot, Feelings, Friendship, I just want them to be happy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mistakes, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, They are trying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-02-23 19:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 28,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18708289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArabellaTurner/pseuds/ArabellaTurner
Summary: When Evan asked Jared what Connor would do with his letter, Jared responded by saying “He’s going to ruin your life with it. I mean, I would,” but what would Jared have actually done if he had found Evan’s letter?This fic explores how everyone’s lives could have been if Jared had found the letter instead of Connor.Both tags and relationships might be updated to add more as I write more, but the initial ones should give you a sense of what you are getting into.





	1. Chapter 1

Jared snorted as he pulled the crumpled piece of paper out of his bag. He hadn’t even been back to school one day and he had already destroyed his English syllabus. 

He debated for a few seconds if he actually needed a paper copy. He could always just pull the stupid thing up on his computer if he needed it. Only Mrs. Shaw was one of those strict, by the book teachers and would probably want him to have it in class.

With a sigh, Jared shoved the damaged syllabus back into his bag and made his way to the library to print a new one out. But as Jared approached the printer area, he stopped short. Sitting at one of the computers was Evan Hansen.

Jared felt a pang in his heart and retreated a little. He felt really bad about what happened earlier. Jared wasn’t positive what Connor had done after he ran away, but he heard shouting, so he was sure it wasn’t good. And he had just left Evan to that fate. After causing the problem in the first place. After insulting Evan even before that.

Jared closed his eyes and sighed. He really was such a horrible person. And such a terrible friend too.

As Jared turned to leave, he heard a printer roar to life. He paused in his tracks and turned back around. He didn’t feel comfortable talking to Evan for no reason, but if he was to bring him whatever he printed, then maybe he could start conversation up again. And then he could somehow make sure Evan was okay.

Jared walked over to the printer and grabbed the piece of paper. He started to make his way over to Evan, but stopped when he saw someone out of the corner of his eyes enter the library and felt his heart stop.

“Shit!” Jared muttered to himself. He was not about to interact with Connor Murphy again. There was no way anything good could come of that. Jared turned and fled the library in hopes that Connor wouldn’t see him, Evan’s paper still tightly clutched in his hands.

————

As Connor walked into the library, he noticed Jared sprint out and felt a slight sense of satisfaction. He didn’t love the idea that people were afraid of him, but it was better than having to deal with assholes. Besides, Connor had spotted someone much more important in the library than Jared.

“So, what happened?” he asked, causing Evan to jump in surprise. “Excuse me?” Evan yelped out. “Your arm,” Connor clarified. “Oh,” Evan replied. He shuffled uncomfortably before launching into his story.

Connor couldn’t help but laugh when he heard it. “That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” he replied when Evan was done. And it really was. Falling out of a tree was a pathetic way to get hurt, but it was nothing compared to the waiting.

And Connor felt for him. He knew what it was like to feel alone like that. “You should probably make up a better story. Just tell them that you were battling some racist dude,” he offered, hoping that he and Evan could connect a little further.

Unfortunately, Evan just looked at him in confusion. “To Kill a Mockingbird,” Connor clarified. “Like the book?” Evan asked. Connor’s heart sank a little. Evan seemed so confused. It was clear that he was either not much of a reader or he didn’t believe that Connor could be one.

The two boys lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. Then Connor noticed something even sadder than the fall. “No one’s signed your cast,” he pointed out, breaking the silence. Evan simply stared miserably at his arm. “I’ll sign it,” Connor heard himself offering.

There was just something about Evan that felt so familiar to him. Despite his better judgement, he wanted to reach out and try to help him. Even though Connor had all but given up on friendships, he was willing to give it one more chance. It was just too sad otherwise.

“Now we can both pretend like we have friends,” Connor said as he finished writing his name across Evan’s arm. So maybe he wasn’t completely ready to give friendship another chance, but it was still something, right?

Evan smiled weakly up at him. Once more, the two boys lapsed back into silence. A part of Connor took this as his cue to leave, but another part of him wanted to stay just a little longer. Even if Evan was sort of painful to talk to, he was still making some degree of an effort.

“What are you writing there?” Connor asked, pointing to Evan’s computer. Evan’s eyes grew wide in fright. “Oh! Nothing! I, I, I’m just, I mean I, it’s nothing!” Connor raised an eyebrow, intrigued by Evan’s answer. 

“It’s a letter to myself,” Evan eventually admitted. Connor let out a little snort. “Why?” he asked. Evan felt his face grow hot. “It’s, uh, it’s for an assignment,” he explained.

“Can I read it?” Connor asked. He leaned over to take a look at the compute screen, but before he could get past “Dear Evan Hansen,” Evan deleted what he had written.

“Please don’t read that!” he begged. “That version was just a joke. It’s not something others should see.” Connor frowned at the fear forming on his face.

“You’re having trouble with it, aren’t you?” he asked. Evan nodded miserably. “What do you need to write to yourself?” Connor pressed on. Evan looked up at him in surprise. Why did Connor care so much about his letter?

“I was supposed to tell myself why today would be a good day,” Evan admitted. “What? And hanging out with me hasn’t been the obvious highlight?” Connor asked, holding a hand up to his heart.

For a second, Evan got worried that Connor was offended. Then he saw the look on Connor’s face and realized he was joking. Despite himself, the corners of Evan’s mouth turned up. “I just hadn’t gotten to that part when I wrote it,” he responded.

Connor felt his heart skip a beat. Evan didn’t seem to be joking. “You want my helping writing a better version?” Connor asked. He felt his heart leap a little when Evan nodded. He knew this was a dangerous game to be playing, but he couldn’t help it. It was nice to feel wanted.

For his part, Evan’s mind was a mix of fear and awe. He couldn’t believe that Connor Murphy wanted to help him write a therapy letter. It was such a crazy thought, that it almost made him want to laugh. Only it wasn’t just a joke.

The two boys spent the next fifteen minutes together crafting a letter. It wasn’t exactly award winning writing, but it was full of a sense of hope Evan couldn’t quite believe he was actually feeling.

“Thank you,” Evan said as he finished the last few words and hit print. It still didn’t really seem real to him. Connor grunted and nodded. “I’m just glad I could make your life a little less fucking depressing. But seriously, you should come up with a better injury story.” 

Evan smiled a little despite himself. “Okay. I’ll come up with something good,” he agreed. Connor clapped him on the back. “Attaboy!” he declared. Evan was pretty sure he was being snarky again, but he sounded dead serious.

Connor turned to leave. “See ya round,” he said, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder. “Yeah. See you,” Evan replied softly. He still wasn’t completely sure what had just happened between himself and Connor, but maybe, just maybe, Evan had a friend now. 

So with those happy thoughts, Evan went to pick up his letters so he could keep the new one and dispose of the old. He quickly picked up one piece of paper, but began to panic when the other was nowhere to be found.

Ten minutes of searching later, Evan could feel a panic attack coming on. The first copy of his letter was nowhere to be found. Someone must have taken it. Someone out there saw Evan’s great shame and now had the ability to share it with the rest of the world.

Any joy Evan felt from earlier was immediately gone. There was only fear in his heart now. Evan was terrified of what the missing letter could mean and just what was in store for him when the rest of the world saw it too.

————

When Jared’s heartbeat returned to normal, he realized that he was still holding whatever it was Evan had printed. Another pang of guilt ran through him. He was certain that Evan was going to worry about where it had gone and who had taken it.

Only Jared was not about to head back and face Connor again. He flipped the paper over to examine what Evan had printed, hoping it was unimportant and not worth returning.

Instead, his heart stopped when he read it. And then reread it. Then reread it again once more for good measure. What the fuck was this? What was Evan talking about? What did he mean by disappear?

Jared felt sick to his stomach. He wanted to run back to Evan and demand an explanation. He wanted to go back and apologize for years of shitty behavior. 

But Jared found his legs wouldn’t move. He was too scared to talk to Evan. Once more, Jared tried to take a step forward, but he was frozen in fear. There was no way he could do this.

Eventually facing the facts, Jared made his way back to his car, the letter neatly folded up in the pocket of his shirt. 

He decided that the letter would just disappear forever. Evan would never know who found it and nobody else would ever know it was written.

He also decided that things were going to change from now on. If Evan wasn’t sure that anyone would notice if he disappeared, then Jared would make sure he did know. 

He would go up to Evan the next time they saw each other, and ask to sign his cast. He would sit next to Evan next time they had lunch. Hell, he would even drop the “family” from “family friends.” 

He didn’t need to take things all the way. Evan still didn’t need to know his true feelings for him. He just had to know that he was not alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared attempts to make good on his promise to himself, but finds it harder than he imagined it would be. Meanwhile, Connor and Evan try to build up their budding friendship.

The next morning, Evan woke up in a cold sweat. There were so many things he couldn’t make sense of. He checked his arm and confirmed that Connor’s name was really there in all its gigantic glory.

Evan wasn’t sure where he and Connor stood. Sure, they seemed to have bonded a little writing the letter, but Evan mainly assumed it was just out of pity. 

Connor had said that they could pretend they had friends. That meant that they weren’t really friends, right?

And then there was the letter. Evan was certain that he had printed it. That meant that someone had taken it, right? And if someone had taken it, then they were going to use it to do something awful, weren’t they?

For a few seconds, Evan contemplated telling Connor about the letter, but quickly thought better of it. If it wasn’t already out there for the world to see, then Evan didn’t want to draw Connor’s attention to his crush on Zoe. There was no way that was going to end well.

So Evan nervously made his way to school. He jumped a little with each person who passed him, but it didn’t appear that anyone knew anything about his letter. At the very least, no one seemed to be reacting to it.

Just as Evan was starting to think that he might be okay, a clap on his shoulder caused him to jump a couple feet in the air out of fright.

Once he calmed down and realized it was only Jared, he sent him a death glare. “Don’t do that!” he hissed. Jared made a strange face at him, no doubt making fun of him for his pathetic antics. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you there,” he said, still making that weird face.

Evan sighed. “It’s fine,” he mumbled. He didn’t really have the fight in him right now to stand up for himself. Not that he did a great job of doing that on a normal basis, if he was being honest with himself. 

Evan frowned when he noticed that Jared was staring at something. Looking down, he realized that it was his cast. “Connor signed it yesterday after school,” Evan stated, as if it explained anything.

Jared cocked his head a little. “I don’t think it’s big enough,” he finally said. Evan bit his lip. “Yeah, I know it’s big. At least he signed it.” There were hints of pain and snark in Evan’s voice.

Jared gave a weak smile. “I can sign it too if you want. It just needs to be bigger than Connor’s name!” Evan looked down at his cast. “Is there room for a bigger name?” he asked. He honestly wasn’t sure that there was. 

Jared shrugged. “Only one way to find out!” He held out his hand for the sharpie. With a small sigh, Evan handed it to him. It was funny how, now that he already had a signature, Jared was suddenly willing to sign his cast. 

Evan wondered for a brief second if maybe Jared just didn’t want to be the only name on there, but dismissed it. Being the only name on there was something he could make fun of Evan about. And having Connor’s name be the only name there was even worse.

Evan wondered why Jared suddenly wanted to sign his cast now. As he heard the marker squeak, he suddenly got a bad feeling. He was almost certain that Jared was going to do something horrible to it.

But Jared didn’t do anything horrible. Not really, anyways. Sure, he wrote his name in even bigger letters than Connor’s, taking up pretty much the rest of the cast, but he didn’t draw any dicks or mess with Connor’s name in any way. 

Evan stared at the cast in confusion. He wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to do next. Jared stared awkwardly back at him. “So...” Evan began before trailing off. “Yeah...” Jared replied. He and Evan stared awkwardly at each other some more.

“Lunch?” Jared finally managed to force out. “Lunch?” Evan repeated, confused. “Us, lunch, today?” Jared attempted to clarify. “Why?” Evan asked, still really confused. He couldn’t figure out what Jared was playing at and it was scaring him.

Jared mumbled something unintelligible. Evan was pretty sure he caught “you,” and “friend,” in there somewhere, but he wasn’t sure and he was too uncomfortable to ask Jared to repeat himself.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Jared finally said. Evan could almost swear Jared’s eyes were wet and shiny. There was no way he was tearing up, was there?

“I can sit with you,” Evan finally said. It was funny. If Jared had just sat down next to him, he probably would have been thrilled, but there was something about how formal Jared was making this that scared him.

Jared’s face lit up into a grin. “Sweet! I’ll see you then!” he said, running off. Evan watched him leave, still just as confused and scared as he was earlier.

————

A few hours later, Evan sat down at his usual table and pulled out his SunButter sandwich. He looked around for Jared, but didn’t see him anywhere. He did, however, spot Connor entering the cafeteria.

He offered a small smile and wave, unsure if Connor would even notice him. Much to his surprise, not only did Connor notice him, he actually turned and started walking towards him.

“This seat taken?” he asked, pointing to the empty seats surrounding Evan. “N-no,” Evan squeaked out, violently shaking his head. Connor snorted. “I was kidding,” he informed Evan. “Oh,” Evan replied softly. He turned to look back down at his sandwich in disappointment.

Connor smiled a little despite himself. “So, can I sit with you?” he asked. Evan looked back up to face him, his entire face lit up with joy. He nodded enthusiastically. Connor smiled again and sat down across from Evan.

The two boys almost immediately lapsed into silence. Evan once again seemed highly interested in his sandwich while Connor seemed highly interested in Evan.

“What’s that new writing on your cast?” he asked, noticing the extra giant letters. “Oh,” Evan said, clearly embarrassed. “Jared signed my cast today.”

“Jared?” Connor asked. His face visibly darkened. Evan gulped. He had forgotten just how poorly the last conversation between Connor and Jared had gone. Evan nodded meekly. “He actually wanted to join me for lunch today. I don’t see him anywhere though.”

As if mentioning his name had summoned him, Jared suddenly emerged from the lunch line and started looking for Evan. His eyes narrowed when he saw Evan and Connor sitting together.

He guessed it wasn’t an unreasonable thing to happen. Connor had signed Evan’s cast after all. Jared just really didn’t want to face Connor right now. He didn’t know what to say to apologize or if he should even bring it back up again. He knew that what he said the day before wasn’t okay, but he wasn’t sure what to do about it.

With a gulp and a deep breath, Jared nervously made his way over to the table.

“Yo, Evan! Sup?” he said as he sat down next to Evan. Evan gave him a nervous smile, but said nothing in return. Jared shifted uncomfortably in his seat. From across the table he could feel Connor’s glare bearing down on him. He felt his hands start to tremble a little.

“H-hey Connor,” he squeaked. Oh god, he sounded so pathetic. Connor’s glare only deepened. “What do you want, Kleinman?” he snarled. Jared winced when he saw Evan flinch in fright beside him.

Jared knew that he was going to have to do something to fix things with Connor. Things were not good the way they were and he didn’t want to get Evan even more caught up in it.

“I just wanted to sit with Evan,” Jared said weakly. Evan’s eyes widened a little in surprise and Jared felt his heart sink. Poor Evan honestly couldn’t believe that he genuinely wanted to spend time with him.

Connor’s eyes narrowed when he saw the way Evan reacted to Jared’s response. Clearly Evan didn’t believe that Jared would just want to spend time with him.

Connor wasn’t really sure what Jared wanted with Evan, but he didn’t really like it. Jared had ample opportunity to sign Evan’s cast earlier, yet he had only done it after Connor had signed. Not to mention the way he just abandoned Evan after saying such horrible things.

Connor knew that it was ultimately his fault that he took his anger out at Evan, but Jared also shouldn’t have left him behind. Or said what he said in the first place.

Connor Murphy was a lot of things, but a school shooter was not one of them. He had a lot of anger and pain in his heart, but he didn’t want to take it out on others. 

That certainly wasn’t to say that he never did take it out on others, Evan was a pretty prime example of that, but he didn’t want to. He wasn’t planning some horrible revenge scheme and he didn’t want to show the world or anything like that. All Connor really wanted was to be happy.

And now Evan was offering him a chance at that happiness. He seemed happy to spend the time together. So why did Jared, in all his selfish assholery, need to show up and ruin it? And what did Jared actually want with Evan anyways? Connor highly doubted he suddenly just decided to be a better person.

For his part, Jared was doing everything in his power to not say something stupid and make things worse. He felt trapped between the anger radiating off Connor and the nervous energy Evan was emitting beside him. He knew that he had to do something to make this better, but he had no idea what.

“So, uh, peanut butter then?” he asked, pointing to Evan’s sandwich. “SunButter,” Evan responded quietly. “Ah,” Jared responded uncomfortably. “Yeah,” Evan replied. “You prefer that to peanut butter?” Jared continued, determined not to let the weak string of conversation die.

Evan nodded. “I’ve packed one every day for a few years now,” he replied. Jared winced. Connor cocked an eyebrow at Jared. “Have you two not eaten together for a few years?” Jared and Evan both looked down.

Connor snorted. “So you’re telling me that, after years of not eating together, as soon as Evan has another friend he might want to spend time with, you suddenly want him back? Is that why you didn’t sign his cast until I did? Are you jealous Kleinman? Are you jealous that I’m capable of being nicer than you are? Are you scared that I’ll steal your friend away from you?”

Evan shook his head. “Jared and I aren’t friends, just our families are.” Evan then turned to Jared. “You know, I can still tell my mom you’re nice to me if you want. We don’t have to pretend like we’re friends. I won’t be the reason why your parents stop paying for your car insurance. You don’t have to do this anymore.”

Jared could feel his heart shatter in his chest. Evan’s words were like a dagger and they had pierced deep inside of him. “You two only spent time together for Jared’s car insurance?” Jared heard Connor ask. He didn’t wait for Evan’s answer. Once more, Jared simply ran away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After running off during lunch, Jared finds himself once more evaluating his relationship with Evan. Meanwhile, Evan and Connor continue to work on their fragile friendship.

Jared ran out of the school and to his car, but it still wasn’t enough. A few minutes later, he was pulling out of the school and heading god knows where. 

Eventually he found himself driving towards Ellison State Park. He wasn’t really sure why he had decided to drive there, but he wasn’t going to fight it. He knew the place was important to Evan, so he guessed it was important to him as well.

Jared slowly got out of his car and began to stumble his way into the park. It really was a pretty place. He could see why Evan liked it. 

Jared wandered numbly along the paths. If Evan has been there with him, he could have told him all about the trees, but of course Evan was not there with him. No, Jared was all alone.

Jared thought back to Evan’s story about how he broke his arm. He couldn’t even imagine how scary it would be to be lying broken somewhere in the park and have no idea when anyone would find you. It must have been a truly horrible time for Evan.

And he had laughed at it. Jared felt a wave of self hatred course through his body. He thought back to Evan’s letter. Evan just wanted to feel like he mattered. Why was it so hard to tell him that he did? Why couldn’t prove that he would be heartbroken if Evan disappeared? Why hadn’t he just admitted the first time how badly Evan’s story had shaken him?

Jared wished he could go back in time and redo that day. He wished he could go back in time and tell his middle school self not to be an asshole. He wished he had come to terms with his feelings before it was already too late, but none of those things were possible.

Eventually, Jared make his way to a tall, old oak tree. He didn’t know if it was the one Evan fell from, but it very well could have been. He stood underneath it, taking in its size. He couldn’t imagine falling from something like that, a fall from that height could easily kill you. 

A fall from that height could easily kill you. Jared thought his heart couldn’t break further, but the realization hurt him in places he didn’t know he could still be hurt. Evan had wanted to die. That’s what his letter meant. 

Evan wanted to die and leave this world. He didn’t feel like anyone cared about him. But now Connor cared about him. He wasn’t alone now, right? He was going to be okay now, wasn’t he? 

—————

For a second, Evan debated running after Jared. He hadn’t expected him to take off like that. What he said was true after all, right? 

He stood up and looked towards the cafeteria door, but by this point Jared was already lost in the crowd. There really wasn’t any point in going after him. It would be hard to find him now and Evan didn’t really think he wanted to be found, so with a sad sigh, he simply sat back down.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said softly, breaking the silence. Evan looked up at him. “I didn’t mean to ruin your friendship with him,” he clarified, noticing Evan’s confused face.

Evan shook his head. “It’s fine. I don’t think we really ever were friends.” Connor nodded, but said nothing. He really did not like Jared, but he had grown rather found of Evan and felt bad for causing him pain. At least he hadn’t messed up as badly as he had the last time.

Deciding that they weren’t going to be able to do anything about Jared, the two boys went back to eating. Unfortunately neither one was particularly good at starting a conversation in normal circumstances, so it was all the more difficult now. Once again, the two of them found themselves sitting in silence. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but it was still better than eating alone.

“Thank you,” Evan finally said, as he packed up to leave. Connor gave a slight grunt. “I’ll see you?” Evan continued, a bit less sure. Connor nodded, causing Evan to smile a little. A smile twitched onto Connor’s face as well. And as Evan turned to walk away, Connor realized it was bigger than he had smiled in a long, long time.

————

Zoe never knew what mood to expect from Connor when he came home from school, but she never expected it to be better than the one he left home with. Yet somehow his mood the night before appeared to be happier than it had been in the morning.

Zoe wasn’t sure how that was possible. What on earth had made Connor seem almost happy? Zoe had spent all night wondering about it, but as she made her way out of the cafeteria and to the bathroom, she wondered if maybe she had stumbled across the answer. 

Connor almost never ate in the cafeteria. He didn’t like being around other people and it was impossible to avoid them there. On the rare occasions he did eat there, he typically found a spot somewhere in a corner and glared at people until they left him alone.

That was not what he was doing right now though. Zoe could hardly believe her eyes, but they didn’t seem to be lying to her. Somehow Connor had managed to find someone to sit with.

Zoe shook her head to clear it then continued on her way to the bathroom. She still wasn’t sure how it was possible or what it meant, but Zoe wasn’t about to go find out. If Connor really had made a friend, she was happy for him, but that was where it ended. 

————

Jared just sort of sat there after his realization. The knowledge that Evan had tried to kill himself changed everything. Jared realized that he was at a crossroads now. Either he had to become the friend Evan deserved, or he had to cut himself off completely.

But Jared knew he would never be good enough for Evan. He would always fall short, always fumble and falter when Evan needed him most. No amount of honesty and kindness would change that. Even if he gave it his all, he was certainly that he would still only drag Evan down.

—————

That night, Evan found himself repeatedly looking down at his cast. It was completely covered by the two names. He wished that was a comforting thought, but for some reason, it wasn’t. 

Evan still didn’t really know how to feel about Connor. It was clear that he was a volatile and angry person, but he was weirdly nice to him. Maybe they just connected? 

And then there was Jared. Evan was even more confused about him. Evan hadn’t really meant what he said about being family friends during lunch. He knew his words came out with a little bit more bite than he intended. But then Jared ran off and he didn’t run after him.

Evan wondered if Jared was relieved to be set free or if he would miss their sorry excuse for a friendship. He had been acting nicer that day. Maybe he was actually trying?

Evan didn’t know. He didn’t know what to think about either of the people whose names lay across his cast. And then of course there was his missing letter. Evan was still terrified that someone might have it and do something with it.

And even if Evan could explain to Connor about his suicidal feelings, there was still the part about Zoe. Evan had no idea what Connor would think if he knew that he had a crush on his sister. 

Once more, Evan found himself tossing and turning in restless sleep. The fear and confusion were eating away at him. He just wanted some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m having trouble figuring out good chapter breaks in a work that jumps around perspectives so much, so I apologize if chapters end up fluctuating in length a little or end up super long.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared has decided that the best thing he can do for Evan is break things off, but it’s not such an easy thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve made a few unimportant references to the book so far in the story, but in this chapter I also reference Miguel. It’s still not super important to the plot, but I just wanted to let you know that in the book he was Connor’s friend before a fall out. That should be all you need to know about the book to have my story make sense!

The next morning, Jared moved entirely on autopilot. The only real reason he had to be excited about anything in his life was destroyed now and it was up to him to deal the finishing blow.

For a few minutes, Jared wondered if he was making another mistake here. Maybe it would be enough for him to just apologize and be nice. Maybe Evan would rather have him as a shitty friend than not have him at all? 

But he knew that wasn’t true. As long as he tried to be friends with Evan, it would ruin his chances with Connor. And Jared was done ruining Evan’s life. He had no other option now. 

When he arrived at school, Jared found Evan easily enough. He knew that Evan thought he was invisible in a crowd, but Jared could spot him from a mile away. He was pretty much the only thing Jared even found worth noticing.

Jared took a deep breath. He was terrified for what he was about to do, but it had to be done. He had to break this off.

“Yo! What up acorn?” he called out to Evan. Jared winced internally at the nickname choice. He hadn’t realized at the time why Evan had fallen out of the tree. Now of course, that’s exactly why he was using it.

“Hi Jared,” Evan said softly. He looked Jared up and down, desperately trying to understand just what their relationship was. If Jared was talking to him, then that meant he didn’t want to take him up on his offer, right?

“So I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day,” Jared continued. Evan stiffened up a little. Here it was. “How do I know that you’ll actually do as promised and tell your mom?” he asked. The words hit Evan like a punch to the gut. So Jared really did want to get away from him.

“Well, I, I mean, I...” Evan felt himself turning red. “I don’t know,” he finally admitted. “But I guess there’s nothing making sure I tell her now,” he continued. “I won’t betray you though. For whatever it’s worth, I do have good memories with you. I guess if you promise not to destroy those, I’ll keep the act up,” he finally offered.

Jared blinked quickly to make sure there were no tears in his eyes. Once again, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. Despite it all, Evan still valued their friendship. Maybe there was still a chance for him to fix things. 

But then he saw Connor approaching with a look of disapproval on his face, and Jared knew that there wasn’t. He had blown his chance already and there was no turning back now. 

“Okay,” he agreed. He held out a hand. “It’s been a journey. I’ll catch you round the next time our families want to hang out.” Evan sadly reached out a trembling, sweaty hand to take Jared’s, but dropped it when Jared pulled his own hand away to make a finger gun.

Evan’s hand was left limp and empty as Jared walked away. Usually he would be thrilled to not have to shake someone’s hand, but his fingers just felt cold at the lack of contact. This was the end of an era. The one person he thought he could always rely on was truly gone.

He turned around to see a grim looking Connor standing behind him. He looked up, tears welling up in his eyes, and found himself collapsing into Connor.

He felt Connor stiffen up underneath him, no doubt surprised by the physical contact, but before he could pull away, he felt Connor’s arms wrap around him and pull him into a tight hug.

————

All the previous night long, Connor had pondered just what he was getting into trying to be friends with Evan. It had been far too long since Connor had anyone he felt like he could talk to. Only he wasn’t positive that he could talk to Evan.

It had been easy with Miguel. Miguel was full of mischief and snark. Connor never needed to worry about offending him. He also knew that Miguel could stand up for himself if he ever did cross the line.

But Evan wasn’t like that. Evan was quiet and skittish. It was clear that he was afraid of everything, so how would he react if Connor ever snapped around him? 

And Connor was sure that he would snap. He always did. Miguel had almost always been able to bring him back to earth, but Evan just seemed too fragile. Yet Connor didn’t want to let go.

And now here he was, holding onto a sobbing Evan for dear life. It was all he could do to keep himself from blowing up. He was furious at Jared for hurting Evan like this. How could someone be so cruel? 

Connor could feel the anger threatening to erupt, but he refused to let it surface. Getting mad at Jared would only hurt Evan further. “Calm,” Connor told himself. He needed to remain calm.

As Connor attempted to calm himself, he held Evan tighter and tighter. The other boy was soft and warm and Connor found comfort pressed up against him. The sound of Evan’s muffled sobs echoed the pain in his heart.

And at first the hug felt really good to Evan. It was an amazing feeling to have someone willingly holding him close like that. But then it got tighter and tighter. “Connor,” Evan pleaded. “Connor, please. You’re crushing me.” There was no response and the hug only got tighter. “Connor,” Evan tried again. Still nothing. 

Then the hug grew even tighter and Even yelped in pain. Connor quickly released him. Evan fell to the ground, knocked off balance by the sudden release. Connor stared at him in horror. How on earth had he managed to hurt Evan just by hugging him? 

Evan stared back up at Connor. He opened his mouth to say something, but wasn’t really sure what. He wasn’t sure what had just happened, but it scared him a little. 

The two boys stared at each other for a moment before Connor suddenly turned and walked off, leaving a very confused Evan alone on the ground. 

————

The second Jared turned the corner, he was running once again. It seemed to be the only thing he was capable of doing anymore. As Jared made his way through the hallway, he looked frantically around for a place to hide and cry. 

Noticing a cleaning supply closet left slightly ajar, Jared ran on in and closed the door behind him. The second it was securely locked, he collapsed into himself and began to sob.

How on earth was he going to do this? How was he going to be able to coexist with Evan like this? He already missed him so much. 

Jared pulled the letter out of a less noticeable pocket in his backpack. He had been too afraid of leaving it in his room or throwing it out, so he decided to keep it on him. Now he held it close to himself as he read it over again once more.

He felt so stupid for thinking that he could be the one who could make Evan happy again. Obviously he had squandered his chance long ago.

Damn! Why was he such a fuck up? Jared angrily punched the wall. It hurt a lot, but the pain sort of felt good. He hit it again and again. His hand was bleeding now, but he didn’t care. Jared lashed out again, this time aiming at the shelf of cleaning supplies over his head. He laughed bitterly as a bottle slipped off and clattered to the floor.

It felt good to be destructive. He was already self-destructing, so why not let the world burn with him? No one needed to know. His closet tirade could be his little secret.

Jared struck out once more, but this time his hand met with less resistance than he expected. With a sickening crack, the shelf gave way and everything it was holding came crashing down.

————

Alana frowned when she heard a weird thump coming from a cleaning supply closet in the middle of the hallway. She was running an errand for her first period teacher, so she should have been the only one currently in the hallway.

She made her way over to the door and froze up when she heard the sound of broken laughter. Scared of what she might find, Alana nervously raised her hand to knock on the door, but before she could, she heard a loud crash.

She started to pound on the door, but got no response. She tugged on the doorknob, but found it locked. Frightened, she ran to find the principal and tell him what she had heard.

————

The next thing Jared knew, he was lying on the floor with some sort of cleaning supply soaking into his clothes. He head hurt from where the bottle made contact with it and again from where he made contact with the floor. 

The sound of banging and shouting didn’t help it any. He didn’t know what the other person wanted with him, but he was grateful for the lock. He didn’t want anyone to see him broken like this.

Jared curled his body up into a ball and closed his eyes. Nothing he tried do was ever right. He couldn’t even have a mental breakdown correctly. 

As the hot tears streamed down his cheeks, his eyelids grew heavy and the world dark. He just couldn’t bring himself to fight it any longer.

————

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion for Alana. The principal came running along with her, keys in hand. A few minutes later, an ambulance was there as well. 

The boy in the closet, Jared as Alana remembered him to be named, seemed dazed. He was bleeding from his hand and the side of his head, and was soaked in some sort of cleaner. He skin didn’t look irritated, so it was unlikely that the cleaner was dangerous to touch, but Alana was sure that the fumes weren’t doing his head injury any favors.

She tried to talk to him to see if he was alright, but was told to stand back and let the professionals take care of him. Alana wanted to object, but she knew better. She wasn’t suited for that role, so she could do nothing but stand by and passively watch.

Eventually Jared was loaded up onto a gurney. He seemed to be a little bit more focused now and was attempting to protest. The paramedics clearly were having none of it, since they loaded him on anyways. Jared continued to protest, but he seemed too weak to actually fight it.

The hallway was now filled with curious students who had come out to see what the commotion was. Attempting to give Jared some space, the principal sent them all back to their classes. Only Alana seemed permitted to stay.

Once all the commotion died down and the other students made their way back to their classes, Alana found herself alone by the closet. The principal and nurse had run off with the paramedics to make sure Jared was safely sent off. Eventually someone would come by and clean up the mess, but no one had yet. 

Alana stared sadly into the room. She wondered what would cause a person to act that way. Would she one day snap like that too? It was not an unrealistic thought and made her shudder a little.

Alana turned around to leave, but stopped suddenly when she noticed something unusual lying on the ground. It was a slightly crumpled piece of paper. It was soaked with cleaner now, but the words were still legible.

Alana’s heart ached as she read the words. It was a suicide letter. What she had just witnessed was a suicide attempt. Had she not been there, could Jared have died? 

Alana felt for him. She knew what it was like to feel alone. She knew the fear of nobody noticing her, nobody caring if she suddenly disappeared. She hadn’t really thought much about the other people that felt that way too.

She wondered just many other people there were out there like them. Maybe there were a lot of other people who felt just as lost and broken. Maybe she could help both them and Jared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alana has finally appeared! Don’t worry. You’ll be seeing much more of her and Zoe going forward. I love those two girls way too much not give them their own arcs!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Jared is taken to the hospital, everyone finds themselves handling the news in their own way.

Connor was furious with himself for hurting Evan like that. They had barely been friends for three days now and he had already gone ahead and blown it. It was honestly amazing to him just how badly that had gone.

Poor Evan. Connor felt terrible for getting his hopes up that way. Clearly there was no way they could stay friends now. He was just too destructive. Maybe Jared was right after all. Maybe he really was just some freak.

As Connor stalked off, his mind wandered back to his interactions with Jared. The kid really was such an asshole. He couldn’t understand why Evan seemed so forgiving of him. Just how badly had Jared manipulated him to bring their relationship to this point?

Connor really was furious at Jared. He wanted nothing more than to find him and let all his anger out at him. He was sure that Jared deserved a good beating. But even angry, Connor was not an idiot. He was sure that if he hurt Jared, it would hurt Evan too.

So Connor made his way to one of the fields behind the school. He sank down on the grass, lit up a cigarette, and looked up at the sky.

Before the school year had started, Connor had found himself teetering in and out of suicidal thoughts. When Evan extended the hand of friendship, Connor had briefly let those thoughts go, but now he wondered if he had made a mistake.

Connor let his mind wander as he smoked, his brain dancing from one negative thought to the next. It could be so easy, he thought to himself. It could be so easy to just up and disappear. There was no reason why he couldn’t.

Connor got up off the grass and began to make his way towards the school’s exit. He was about halfway to the parking lot when he suddenly heard sirens and saw an ambulance pull up. 

Letting his curiosity get the better of him, Connor continued towards it. He quickly ducked behind a car when he saw someone being rushed out. He couldn’t see the person’s face, but felt a rather twisted sense of satisfaction when he heard the name.

Connor couldn’t help but be relieved. Now he didn’t need to worry about his anger exploding. Someone or something else had already beaten him to the punch.

Connor continued his walk off campus, his footsteps a little lighter than they had been a few minutes before. He still had absolutely no desire to remain at school that day, but for the moment at least, the most negative of his thoughts were stashed aside. 

—————

Shortly after the ambulance left, an announcement was made and school was let out for the day. People just couldn’t stay still and the rumors were flying around like crazy. It was deemed better to just tell everyone the truth than let them continue to speculate.

As Zoe packed up to head home, she told herself once again that she was relieved. Well, not relieved, she obviously didn’t want this Jared kid to be hurt either, but relieved that it wasn’t her brother. The only problem was that she hadn’t entirely convinced herself that she really was.

Zoe didn’t much like her brother, but she didn’t want him to die. What sort of a sister would want her brother dead? Sure he made her life a living hell sometimes, but wanting him dead? She wasn’t a monster.

As Zoe contemplated her morality and her brother’s life, she found herself staring at some guy curled up in a corner and shaking. Her brow creased when she realized that he was the guy Connor had been eating with the day before.

“Are you okay?” she asked him kindly, kneeling down to be more at his level. Evan only shook his head. “Are you his friend?” Zoe tried again. Evan nodded for a second, then shook his head. “Can you get home?” she then asked, looking nervously over his sorry state.

Evan shook his head again. No. No, he couldn’t get home. No, he wasn’t Jared’s friend. No, he wasn’t alright. Evan was terrified. The announcement just said Jared got hurt. But how had he gotten hurt? Had Connor done something to him? He had stormed off suddenly after Evan cried in his arms. Oh god, what if Evan had caused Connor to beat up Jared?

“Why don’t you come home with me?” Zoe offered, holding out a hand. Evan weakly looked at it, but didn’t move from his spot. “Please?” Zoe pleaded. She really didn’t want to leave him alone like that.

Something in the back of Evan’s mind seemed to register that this was Zoe Murphy talking to him and that he should be ecstatic, but that part of him was not match for the panic already settled in. Evan felt completely frozen. He couldn’t imagine ever moving again.

Zoe stared worriedly down at Evan. She just couldn’t leave him like this. She reached out and grabbed onto his hand. Evan immediately flinched in fright and tried to pull his hand back, but Zoe held on tightly. She gave a hard tug and released a deep breath as Evan came up with her. 

“Come on,” she said, refusing to let go of his hand. “Let’s get you somewhere safe.”  
Evan said nothing, but seemed to come to his senses at least enough to let Zoe lead him. Or perhaps he simply gave up resisting.

————

The second Alana made it back to her room, she opened her computer and began to write. A smile crossed her face as she hit post. Now she just had to wait. She called for everyone to come together and she was sure that they would. 

Seeing Jared hit rock bottom like that really scared Alana. The words in his note rang all too true with her. Not the Zoe part, but the part about being alone. She knew how painful it was to feel like no one noticed you or cared about you and she wondered if others did too.

So she called out to the school for support. She was sure that when people read Jared’s letter they would come together. Then maybe Jared could see that he wasn’t alone after all. Then Alana could show herself that she might not be alone after all either.

Alana closed her computer and curled up in her bed. It wasn’t even noon yet, but she was already exhausted. She hoped that her post would make a difference. She really wanted to believe that Jared was wrong.

————

Jared tried to explain what actually happened, he really did. It was just difficult when he was dazed, bleeding, and depressed. But he hadn’t been trying to kill himself. He wasn’t dumb enough to think that his death would help Evan and he wasn’t selfish enough to do it anyways.

It was true that he wanted to die, but he had no intentions of acting on that impulse. Only now it looked like he had. Jared was terrified for what Evan would think if he found out. He hoped that he could come up with a good excuse before the rumors started flying around too much.

Eventually Jared was taken into the hospital and examined. Once he was there, he was finally able to explain himself. Unfortunately, the blows to his head had left him with a mild concussion. The doctor said he should be fine with a few days of rest, but it meant he wasn’t allowed to return to school or even use social media right away.

Twenty minutes later, Jared’s parents were ushered in. His mom looked completely hysterical. “Mom? Dad?” he whimpered. They looked far more upset than he expected them to.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” his mom whispered. She was shaking violently. “Tell you what?” Jared asked, really confused. What had the doctors told them? Jared thought he had been pretty careful. He made sure to make it clear that the injury was an accident. He hadn’t accidentally slipped up and said something dumb, had he?

“Your note,” his mom replied. Her voice cracked a little as tears began to run down her cheeks. “Note?” Jared asked, still confused. “How could you think that no one would notice if you disappeared?” she asked.

His parents must have taken look of horror and understanding that dawned on Jared’s faced as confirmation he wrote it, since his mom began to sob louder and his dad wrapped his arms around her. 

“How did you see that?” Jared whimpered. “That wasn’t something anyone was supposed to see. It belonged to Evan. I was just...” Jared trailed off. The letter wasn’t his and he didn’t want his parents to think it was, but he also didn’t want to admit that Evan wrote it. It wasn’t fair to him.

“Another parent sent it to us,” Jared’s mom responded. “How did they get it?” Jared asked, getting even more worried now. “One of your classmates posted it online,” his dad replied. “What?!” Jared cried, sitting upright. His head flashed with pain at the sudden movement, but he didn’t care.

“Why would someone do that? What were they thinking? How could they?” Jared protested. “How could they?” Jared began to sob. His goal was to protect Evan’s letter, not get it posted for the entire school to see. And now Evan would know he was the one who took it. Could this day get any worse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a little longer and was a little shorter. I’m having a little trouble with the next chapter, but I wanted to get something more out. That being said, it might take me a couple days to get the next chapter out, but it will come. I have most of the story planned out by now, but just want to make sure everyone’s storylines make sense!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After school is dismissed, Evan and the Murphy siblings try to make sense of everything that is going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if this story gets updated a little bit more slowly than usual. Life has been crazy busy and it’s been hard to find time to sit down and actually plan out a coherent story. I have lots of bits and pieces in my brain, but actually making them all flow in a logical timeline takes some time.
> 
> I also apologize that I haven’t been updating my other ongoing Kleinsen story. I promise I haven’t forgotten about it and I will finish it at some point.
> 
> Hopefully my workload will drop a bit soon and I can start getting my shit back together again! In the meantime, thanks for your patience and I hope you will stay with me on this journey!

Connor eventually found himself sitting under a tree at a small park, smoking a cigarette. The dark thoughts filling his mind earlier hadn’t returned yet, but he wasn’t exactly happy right now.

Now that the initial excitement from hearing that someone had beaten up Jared had faded, Connor realized that Evan would probably assume that he was the one who had done it. And why shouldn’t he? He had almost been the one.

Connor guessed that he could just leave things as they were. It wasn’t like he was going to be able to stay friends with Evan even if he cleared things up, but he just felt too bad about it. Evan was such a nice and lonely person. He deserved better than this.

Sighing, Connor decided that he should probably try to clear things up, or at the very least, make sure that Evan was okay. Putting out his cigarette with his foot, Connor got up and made his way back to school.

When he got there, Connor found the building empty. The parking lot was almost completely clear of cars and he didn’t see a single student. Realizing that classes must have been let out after the incident, Connor let out a groan.

He had no idea where Evan lived and no way to contact him. They didn’t have each other’s numbers, and Connor didn’t have a social media presence as he had never really had anyone to connect with. But now that meant he had no way to contact Evan.

Connor ran his fingers through his hair and sighed again. He guessed he would just need to wait until the next day. Frustrated with his helplessness, Connor then spun around and kicked a tree. Why did everything have to be so hard?

Connor spent the next ten minutes beating the shit out of the tree before giving up and starting his walk home. His anger at the situation was somewhat abated by his tantrum, but it was not yet completely gone.

————

As Evan sat on Zoe’s bed, he slowly began to come back to his senses from the initial shock of it all. Only now that he was growing more aware, he began to register where he was. 

He was in Zoe Murphy’s room. Beautiful, incredible, smart, funny, perfect Zoe Murphy’s room. And Zoe herself had brought him there. It almost didn’t seem real.

But then again, nothing seemed real to Evan anymore. He didn’t understand his relations with anyone anymore, so why wouldn’t his relationship with Zoe make no sense as well? 

Zoe looked up from her notebook and noticed Evan staring at her. “You feeling any better?” she asked. Evan gave a weak nod. He was feeling a bit better, but he still wasn’t up to speech. “That’s good,” she continued. “Let me know if you need anything.” Evan responded with another slight nod.

The two then lapsed back into silence, but around ten minutes later, Zoe tried talking again. “I’m sure Jared will be okay,” she told Evan. Evan only looked down at his hands. “You two friends?” Zoe asked. She had meant it as an obvious jumping off point for conversation, so she was rather surprised when Evan shook his head. 

“No?” She asked, confused. If they weren’t friends then just what were they? Evan shook his head again. “Oh...” Zoe replied. “Sorry.” Evan just stared sadly at his hands. A part of Zoe wanted to press further into what happened, but she decided to just let it go and move on.

The two lapsed back into silence for a few more minutes before Zoe tried once more. “So, I saw you with my brother at lunch the other day,” she informed Evan. Despite the nature of the statement, it came out as more of a question. Evan gave a slight nod in response.

“Are you two friends?” Zoe continued. This time, Evan responded with a shrug. Zoe’s eyes widened in surprise. It wasn’t an affirmation, but it wasn’t a flat out no. “Is he nice to you?” Zoe pressed on, hoping to better understand Evan’s relationship with her brother.

Evan thought about the question for a moment. He hadn’t really spent all that much time with Connor. And in the time they had spent, Connor had once shoved him to the ground and once crushed him before running away. Neither of those things were particularly nice. 

But Connor had been really nice as well. He had signed his cast without being asked, helped him write his therapy letter, sat down beside him, and tried to comfort him when he was upset. All in all, Connor had been a good friend to him. 

Of course, there was still the chance that Connor had beaten Jared up, but that was only a possibility. Besides, it was actually sort of nice to think that Connor might have been trying to defend him. 

Realizing that he had been thinking about the question for way too long, Evan opened his mouth to speak, but stopped when he saw tears forming in Zoe’s eyes. “Zoe?” he forced out nervously. “I didn’t think that he could make anyone smile like that,” she said, trying to blink back her tears. “I’ve never seen anyone smile like that while thinking about him. How did you manage to find that part of him?”

Evan shook his head. “I don’t know,” he admitted, his voice finally starting to come back to him. “He just sort of approached me a few days ago and has been my friend ever since. Only then he ran off earlier today and I don’t know why. But it might be why Jared is in the hospital and I don’t know what to think about that and I’m worried about both of them and I want Connor to be my friend but I don’t know what we are and I...”

Realizing that he had been talking way more than he should have, Evan quickly closed his mouth. “Sorry,” he mumbled, his face turning red. Zoe smiled and wiped her eyes. “No. It’s fine. I had no idea though. I didn’t know that he was capable of being nice like that. He’s never nice like that to me.” 

As she talked, her smile faded. Evan felt his heart reach out to her. “I’m sure he just doesn’t know what to say around you. There’s no way he could ever dislike you!” Evan protested. Zoe let out a little snort. “You’re a bit of an odd one, you know that?” she asked. Evan’s face turned a deep shade of red.

“It’s not a bad thing,” Zoe clarified. “You’re just different from most people I know.” “Well, most people you know probably don’t have crippling anxiety,” Evan pointed out. Zoe snorted then thought about his response for a moment before shrugging. “Yeah, I guess that’s true, but I still think there’s something else different about you too.”

Evan gave her a weak smile. “Thanks?” he said, a little hesitantly. Zoe smiled back at him. “Don’t worry. I meant it as a compliment,” she assured him. Evan’s face grew red again, but this time from pleasure. He had to hand it to Zoe; she really seemed to know how to cheer him up.

————

Connor slowly made his way back home, kicking rocks along the road as he went. It was a decently long walk home from the park, but he didn’t really care. There was nothing worthwhile waiting at home for him anyways.

Frustrated by his situation, Connor kicked a larger rock with all his might. His foot connected with a little bit more force than expected, causing him to curse in pain. Grumbling to himself, Connor then sat down on the side of the road to wait for the pain to subside.

As he sat there waiting, Connor pulled out his phone and attempted to find Evan on social media in some way. If he could just talk to him, then at the very least he could reassure Evan that he hadn’t done anything to Jared.

But as Connor began his search, he noticed something weird. Evan Hansen’s name almost seemed to be trending? Why would that be? A few minutes later, Connor had his answer.

Jared Kleinman’s suicide letter. It was such a crazy thought to Connor. Was it real? Jared wasn’t the one who posted it, but it was written to Evan. And for some reason it talked about Zoe? What Zoe was Jared talking about? Was it his sister?

Connor couldn’t think of any reason why Jared would be talking about his sister, but he couldn’t think of any other Zoe off the top of his head. He knew that there were plenty out there he didn’t know, but it was just such an odd coincidence if it wasn’t her. But why would it be her?

Connor felt helplessly confused. He had barely even managed to extend the hand of friendship to Evan for three days, and now everything was falling apart. Was this some sort of cosmic punishment? Wasn’t hurting Evan earlier that day bad enough already?

Connor picked up one of the rocks he had been kicking earlier and threw it as far as he could. He could feel his head beginning to throb and his body shake. He was furious, absolutely furious. Everything was horrible; Jared was horrible; he was horrible. At this rate, it almost felt like nothing was ever going to be not horrible again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe learn about the letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear all my readers,  
> We’ve been way to out of touch.  
> Things have been crazy, and it sucks that I don’t write as much.  
> But I should tell you that I think of you each night.  
> I rub my...
> 
> Well, I think you get the point. Sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a while and that this chapter is a little shorter! And sorry to those of you reading my other story and waiting for an update there. I swear it will come! Thanks for your patience! I will hopefully be a bit more regular again, but I can’t promise it will last.

Jared stared sadly up at his ceiling. He wasn’t allowed to be on any electronic devices right now due to his concussion and his parents had gone out to get some food and let him rest. He didn’t blame them for leaving, he knew that they couldn’t stay in his room forever, but he was starting to feel pretty lonely.

Jared was sure that people were talking about him; something as serious as a suicide letter being posted didn’t go unmentioned, but he wished people would try talking to him personally. He wished that he had someone other than his parents who cared about him enough to come visit.

The worst part was that he did used to have someone. Even if he was never nice to the other boy, Jared was sure that Evan would have come to see him. Well, at least there was some comfort in that. If Evan wasn’t bothering to see him now, then maybe that meant he successfully severed their friendship.

Jared let out a sigh and closed his eyes. He supposed this was his punishment for messing things up with Evan so many times. After years of pushing his only friend away, Jared supposed it was only fair now that he would be left in a hospital bed all by himself.

————

As he and Zoe continued to talk, Evan finally started to feel like himself again. He was still really worried about Jared, but Evan was always worried about something, so that was par for the course. At least he wasn’t still having an anxiety attack anymore.

“Hey, you said that you like jazz, right?” Zoe suddenly asked. Evan turned a little red. “Oh, I mean I, yeah. Yeah. Well, I like jazz band jazz...” he said, trying not to contradict himself from before. Zoe snorted again. “Want to hear me play?” she asked. Evan nodded eagerly.

Zoe’s music felt like medicine to Evan’s soul. It cleared his head and calmed his heart. He was so enraptured in it, that he nearly jumped when he heard his phone buzz. 

For a moment, Evan was pissed. His phone almost never buzzed when he wanted it to, but the one time he was happy to be ignored, it went off. Then it occurred to him that the message might have something to do with Jared and he quickly grabbed it.

As Evan was grabbing his phone, it buzzed again. Then again. Then again once more. Evan quickly navigated to the messages and stared in horror. The words of support made no sense to him. Suicide attempt? Whose suicide attempt? What had happened?

A few moments later, Evan found himself beginning to hyperventilate once more. He didn’t know if the misunderstanding should make him less stressed or more. Sure, Jared hadn’t actually written him a suicide letter, but he did somehow have Evan’s therapy note. And now everyone else did as well.

————

Zoe stared in shock at the messages on Evan’s phone. Had Jared really tried to kill himself? It seemed like the entire school was talking about it. Apparently someone had posted his suicide note and now people were going crazy discussing it.

Zoe was absolutely disgusted at the public reaction, yet she sort of understood it. People were curious and wanted to know more. Why had Jared done it? Why address it to Evan? Who was this “Zoe” he was talking about? These were all questions Zoe wanted answers to herself.

Evan has said that he and Jared weren’t friends, yet Jared had referred to himself and Evan’s “best and most dearest friend,” so surely they must have been friends at some point. Just what had happened between them?

And then there was the “Zoe” thing. Zoe had no idea if Jared meant her, but she didn’t know any other Zoe’s at school. It was unlikely that Jared was talking about her since they had never interacted with each other, but she guessed that he could have been watching her from a distance with a crush. The letter did say that they didn’t know each other.

But however overwhelming it all was to Zoe, she knew it must be so much worse for Evan. The poor things was having trouble breathing again and was starting to shake. “Evan?” Zoe said gently. Evan gave no response.

“Why don’t we go to the hospital to see him?” Zoe suggested. Evan gave a slight shake of his head. “Come on. I’m sure he’d like the company. We can get him some flowers if you want,” she pressed on. Zoe just couldn’t bear to see Evan falling apart again.

“Please,” she pleaded once more. This time Evan turned to look at her. His eyes were hollow and his face pale. He looked like he was going to pass out at any moment. “Come on,” Zoe gently encouraged. “I’m sure you both will feel better once you have talked.”

Evan forced himself to take a few deep breaths before silently nodding. He winced a little as Zoe took his hand, but ultimately let her lead him back to her car. Zoe immediately turned on the radio as she began to pull out of the driveway. Evan had responded positively to music before, so she hoped he would again.

————

When Connor finally made it back home, he frowned. Since school appeared to be let out, he assumed that Zoe would be home, but he didn’t see her car anywhere. He made his way inside and upstairs to his room. The entire house appeared to be deserted. 

Defeated, Connor grabbed a book from his desk and collapsed down on his bed. At least when he was alone like this, he didn’t have to worry about hurting people. But it left him feeling so empty. It wasn’t like he had any plans to actually talk to Zoe, but at the very least, he liked being about to hear her singing to herself in the other room.

When they were apart like that yet still close enough to hear each other, Connor could almost pretend they had a normal relationship. He could almost pretend that he was capable of showing his sister love without hurting her. The same way he had been pretending he could be Evan’s friend.

Fighting back tears, Connor attempted to lose himself in his book, but found himself unable to focus. How could he escape into a fantasy world when the real one was trying so hard to drown him?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan visits Jared at the hospital and the two of them try to decide the best course of action to take from there.

Evan spent the entire drive over to the hospital trying and failing to understand what was going on. His mind was a mess of questions and he didn’t know if he would have the courage to ask them. Or the courage to actually see Jared for that matter.

The only thing holding him together at the moment was Zoe. She looked so beautiful as she swayed gently to the music. Evan had no idea why she had swept down from the heavens to save him, but she had and it was a wonderful thought to him.

Unfortunately the car ride did not last forever, and Evan and Zoe eventually pulled into the hospital’s parking lot. The ride had done a bit to sooth Evan’s anxiety attack, but little to calm his nerves. 

Evan reluctantly followed Zoe as she got out of the car and made her way inside. He wanted nothing more than to run away, but he didn’t want to insult Zoe’s kindness, so he didn’t. 

Instead, Evan found himself sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room as Zoe talked to the people at the front desk. Then ten minutes later, Evan found himself following a nurse as he made his way outside Jared’s hospital room.

“He’s in here,” the nurse said as she stopped outside the door. Evan nodded silently. He wished that Zoe has come along with him, but she had refused under the claim that it would be better for him to “talk to Jared alone and work things out together.” 

Evan wasn’t really sure what they were going to successfully work out together, but he guessed it wasn’t such a bad thing to talk to Jared alone. At least that way he could speak honestly about the letter.

So a horribly nervous Evan hesitantly entered the room. “Jared?” he asked, his voice cracking a little as he spoke. He slowly approached the hospital bed, freezing a little when the person in it sat up.

“Evan?” Jared replied in surprise. “Is that you?” His heart skipped a beat. He had told himself that he didn’t want to see Evan there, but the second he heard Evan speak, he knew it was untrue. 

Jared’s heart sank a little when he saw how ragged Evan looked. “Sorry,” he said weakly. He didn’t really know what else to say at that point. Evan looked sadly over at him. “What on earth is going on?” he finally asked. Jared just shook his head. 

Evan sighed and sat down in the chair beside Jared’s bed. “Why did you have it?” he asked. Jared’s heart sank a little further and he stared sadly down at his lap. Of course Evan was there to ask him about his letter. Why else would he show up? They weren’t friends anymore and Evan knew he hadn’t actually written a suicide letter, so there was really no other reason for him to be there.

Realizing that Evan was still waiting for an answer, Jared finally confessed that “it was an accident.” Jared knew it wasn’t much of an explanation, and from the look on Evan’s face, it was clear he wasn’t satisfied with it.

“It was in the printer. I just wanted to grab it for you, but then Connor came by and I...” Jared trailed off, too embarrassed to admit that he ran away in fear of Connor. He bit his lip to keep it from trembling. The two boys lapsed into an uncomfortable silence.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Evan finally asked, causing Jared to jerk up in surprise. He winced a little at the sharp pain in his head. Stupid concussion. “What was there to say?” Jared replied. 

What was there to say? What could he have possibly said? There were far too many questions Jared had, far too many secretes he couldn’t reveal. There was nothing he could have said.

Evan let out a slight sigh at Jared’s answer. He looked for a second like he wanted to say more, but seemed to think better of it. “So what now?” He finally asked. 

“I’m guessing everyone at school thinks the letter is mine?” Jared asked. Evan gave a slight nod. “Then I guess we’ll have to let them continue to think that,” he concluded. Evan blinked in surprise. 

“You don’t mind pretending attempted suicide?” he asked, confused by Jared’s response. Jared gave a weak shrug. “I don’t really see any other choice. The truth is way too complicated and will just end up screwing us both over. It’s just easier this way.”

Jared wasn’t completely sure that was true and the look on Evan’s face seemed to echo his feelings. “Besides,” Jared continued, hoping to convince Evan this was the right course of action, “I’m pretty popular right now. If I tell people the truth, then they might get mad at me and then I won’t be the coolest kid at school anymore.”

Evan thought about this for a moment. He wasn’t completely sure he bought it, but it was clear that Jared really didn’t want them to tell everyone the truth. He guessed that it was probably in his best interest to keep things a secret as well, so maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing. There was just one little problem with it all.

“People are all going to think that we’re best friends now,” Evan pointed out. “I’ll live,” Jared responded. “But what if they wonder why we don’t hang out together?” Evan continued, clearly growing worried. “It’s fine,” Jared assured him. “It’s not like we never spent time together. We’ll just have to pretend to be friends for a little bit once I come back to school. At least until it all dies down. Then we can go back to normal again, okay?”

Evan took a deep breath and nodded. Nothing was ever obvious when it came to his relationship with Jared, but at least now he had guidelines he could adhere to. As long as they were pretending to be friends, it would be fine. Evan was sure he could do that.

Once more, the two boys fell into silence. They stayed that way for a few minutes before they heard a knock on the door. “How’s it going in here?” the nurse asked as she entered. Jared just flashed her a weak smile. 

“I hate to kick your friend out, but I need to examine you right now and then you should try to get some rest,” she said to Jared. “You two can take a couple more minutes to say goodbye if you want,” she then offered. 

Evan shook his head. “I think we’re good for now.” He then turned to Jared. “I’m glad to see you’re doing okay, best friend,” he said, gently patting Jared on the shoulder. The words and actions felt foreign to him, and the pained look on Jared’s face didn’t do much to help, but this was what they needed to do now.

“Thanks for stopping by,” Jared replied. “I’m glad I have a best friend like you,” he then added. The two boys offered each other uncomfortable smiles before Evan quickly turned and made his way out of the room, leaving Jared to silently watch him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I swear that Alana is a relevant character in this story. I just didn’t realize how many chapters there would be before we finally got to the next day of school. But I promise that she will come back as more than a plot device soon!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After talking to Jared, Evan leans on Zoe for support. Meanwhile, Heidi discovers Jared's note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a miracle! I'm actually alive! I can't promise that my updates won't continue to spotty, but I'm in a better place now than I was earlier this month (I'm okay, I just got super stressed and made myself sick), so hopefully I'll stay that way. Anyways, thanks for sticking out for this. Here are a couple new chapters!

While she was waiting for Evan, Zoe found herself scrolling through the reactions to Jared’s suicide letter. There were a lot of speculations about who the Zoe he was talking about was and many of them pointed towards her.

Zoe guessed it wasn’t completely unreasonable. After all, Jared and Evan were friends or something and Connor and Evan were friends or something, so she guessed that it wasn’t impossible for her to occasionally come up in conversation. Although, if it was conversation based on what Connor said, Zoe had a hard time believing that it would endear her to anybody.

Zoe was pulled out of her thoughts when Evan reappeared in front of her. He looked tired, but a little less out of it that he did before. “You doing okay?” Zoe asked him. Evan gave a little nod. “That’s good,” Zoe replied. She smiled up at him. It was a little strained, but she tried her best to hide it.

“I should probably get you home soon before your parents start to worry,” she continued. Evan’s face fell a little. “Oh, umm, thanks,” he said softly. He debated for a moment if he should just tell Zoe that there was no one currently waiting at home for him, but decided against it. He was sure that he had already imposed himself on her far more than he should have.

————

The ride back to Evan’s place was relatively silent. There was really nothing more to say. “Are you going to be okay now?” Zoe asked as they pulled into Evan’s driveway. Evan nodded. “I’ll be fine. Thank you for all of your help and support.” Zoe smiled a little at him. “Of course. I’m glad I was able to help you,” she replied.

Evan still couldn’t quite believe how nice Zoe had been to him all day. Well, he always knew she was nice, but he never expected her to be that nice to him. This level of kindness went so far above and beyond what anyone else had ever done for him.

Evan found himself starring deeply into Zoe’s eyes. They were so warm and welcoming. Everything about her was so warm and welcoming.

Then suddenly, Evan was leaning in towards her. He could feel the warmth radiating off her body. He could faintly register his name being mentioned, but he paid it no mind. Zoe even smelled welcoming, like faint hints of vanilla. Maybe it came from her shampoo?

The next thing Evan knew a deep warmth exploded from his lips. His heart felt like it was burning up in his chest. For a second, his entire body felt alight. Then he realized what he was doing and quickly pulled away, the shock on Zoe’s face quickly becoming mirrored by his own. What had he just done?

Evan’s fingers scrambled to pull the door handle and let him out of the car. He popped his seatbelt open and jumped out, slamming the door behind him and running towards his front door. He struggled for a minute to get his keys in the lock with his hands shaking so much, but eventually managed it and slammed that door behind him as well.

The second Evan was inside, he slid down to the ground and once again began to struggle to breath. Only this time there was no one there to help him. He had made sure of that.

————

Somewhere during their goodbyes, Zoe noticed Evan starting to zone out. She didn’t really blame him; he had been through a lot after all. But then he suddenly moved in close. At first Zoe thought he just wanted a hug, so she didn’t resist, but then she felt something warm press up against her lips.

It only lasted for a second, but it left her reeling in shock. Had Evan really just kissed her? The horrified look on his face seemed to indicate that he had.

Before Zoe could think to say anything, Evan was suddenly running out of the car and into his house. It actually took quite a bit of time due to how shaken he was, but Zoe was too shaken herself to try to stop him.

Eventually Evan disappeared inside his house and locked the door behind him. Zoe continued to sit and stare for a few more minutes before finally taking a shaky breath and pulling away.

It wasn’t on purpose, she told herself. Evan has just gone through a lot and was grateful for the kindness. It made sense in its own way. Yet the kiss still left Zoe confused and concerned. She had only been trying to help Evan. What had she gotten herself into?

Physically and emotionally drained, Zoe eventually found herself pulling back into her driveway. As she made her way back into her house, she noted that Connor’s door was now closed while it had been open before. She guessed that meant he was back.

It seemed like a million years prior that she had seen him and Evan eating together, but it had actually only been one day. So much had happened in that time. And so much had changed.

At one point, Zoe had wanted to ask Evan about his relationship with Connor, but she wasn’t sure if that was still an option. She knew that the reverse was certainly not an option though. There was no way in hell that Zoe was going to willingly try asking Connor any questions.

————

Every time her phone buzzed, Alana felt a little jolt of joy rush through her heart. She had never posted anything with even half as big of reaction as Jared’s letter was getting now.

Alana felt her heart swell. People really did care. Sure, maybe not every post was one of support, but people were engaging. They heard about the tragedy and they came together. Jared was no longer invisible. There was no way he could disappear now.

————

After a long day of work, Heidi wanted nothing more than to just go home and relax. Unfortunately, another nurse stopped her just as she was about to leave. “Oh Heidi, have you seen it?” the other nurse asked.

“Seen what?” Heidi asked, a little concerned by the other woman’s tone. “Is he talking about your son here?” the other nurse continued, handing Heidi her phone. Less than a minute later, Heidi was shaking in fright.

“Where did you find this?” Heidi demanded. “it’s all over the Internet,” the other nurse explained. “I think a boy named Jared something-or-other wrote it.” Heidi’s heart seemed to stop for a moment. “Jared Kleinman?” she nervously asked. The other nurse nodded. “Yeah. That sounds right.”

She placed a comforting hand on Heidi’s shoulder and said something, but Heidi didn’t really register what it was. “I should go now,” Heidi said, handing back the phone and walking off. A few seconds later, she began to run to her car.

As Heidi drove home, she called the Kleinmans up, but was not super surprised when it went straight to voicemail. She was sure that they were both too busy dealing with more important things to answer their phones. She just really hoped that Jared was okay.

As soon as Heidi made it home, she rushed inside and ran to Evan’s room. She forced herself to calm down a little before knocking just in case Evan was in a fragile state.

“Evan?” she gently called out. There was no response. “Evan!” she called out again, a bit more urgently. When there was no response again, Heidi threw the door open and found a puffy faced Evan curled up in his blankets, trying hard to breath.

Heidi let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding as she ran to her son. Although Jared was supposedly the one who wrote the letter, Heidi had not failed to notice the similarities to Evan’s therapy letters and it really scared her.

“Oh honey!” she cried out. “Are you okay?” She threw her arms protectively around Evan who stared up at her in confusion for a moment before realizing what she was talking about.

For a few moments, dread swelled inside of Evan. He had been so preoccupied by his kiss with Zoe, that he had completely forgotten that he was going to have to explain things to his mom. And if she had seen the letter, then she might realize it was his.

“I’m okay,” Evan eventually forced out. “I saw Jared,” he then added. Heidi squeezed Evan a little tighter. “Was he...” she began, unsure how to finish the sentence. “He’s okay,” Evan assured her. “He’s going to be fine.” Heidi began to sob as she held her son close.

“Oh sweetie! I’m so glad. I’m so sorry this happened! I had no idea he felt that way. And that letter he wrote...” Heidi trailed off again. She didn’t want to consider the possibility that Jared hadn’t written it, but it still just seemed so similar.

Evan looked up to see the horror in his mom’s eyes and realized exactly what she was thinking. “I told him about my therapy letters a few days ago,” Evan lied. “I didn’t expect him to use the information that way.” “So that’s why it...” Heidi began, relief evident in her voice.

“I just can’t believe this happened,” Evan said sadly. That much at least was true. Heidi held her son close. “I know baby, I know. But he’s okay now. And I’m sure he will get the help he needs. I’m just so glad that the two of you are safe!”

Evan stared up at his mom then began to sob himself. Even though Heidi bought Evan’s lies about the letter, her concern for her own son still shone through. And for the first time in a long time, Evan truly felt and believed it.

Evan let himself curl up closely to his mom and just let a little of her love seep through to him. There was still no way that Evan was going to admit that he really wrote the letter to her, but at least now he knew that she did care. Somehow, despite how much of a burden he always was, his mom still loved him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day after the incident, Evan has to head back to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a little bit of a long break, I posted this with the last chapter, so if you just go straight to the newest chapter, go back one to get to the newest stuff.

The next day, Evan woke up to the pleasant smell of pancakes cooking in the kitchen. He made his way downstairs to find his mom standing there with a plate in her hands.

“Oh good! You’re up!” Heidi exclaimed when she saw him. “I’m afraid I need to go in just a few minutes, but I wanted to see you off. Don’t worry about the cleanup; I’m sure everything can soak in the sink until I get home tonight. Come, sit down and eat!”

Evan eyed the pancakes a little warily. He had never really been one for big breakfasts, but it was sort of nice to have his mom cook for him, even if they couldn’t eat together. “What’s this for?” Evan asked with a mouthful of pancake. Heidi smiled warmly at her son.

“I just wanted to make you breakfast today. You don’t get to eat a lot of home cooking and I thought it would be nice.” Evan looked at her a little skeptically. “Plus I wanted to make sure you ate today,” Heidi admitted. “I wasn’t able to get out of my shift, but I wanted to make sure you were doing alright. I know that yesterday must have been hard on you.”

Evan gave a slight nod. “I’m going to visit Jared today during my lunch break. Is there anything you want me to give him?” Heidi asked, causing Evan to stiffen up. He had told his mom lies about Jared and now she was going to go see him before he could.

Evan quickly shook his head. “I’ll, uh, I’ll give it to him myself. I still need to get a card and flowers for him.” Evan winced a little as he said it. He guessed that was what a friend would do for another friend, but it still felt sort of weird.

“Okay honey,” Heidi said, smiling gently at her son. She wished that she could spend the day with him, but at least he seemed to be doing okay. “Well, I should be heading out now, but it was nice seeing you this morning. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call.”

Evan nodded again as Heidi kissed his head. He watched silently as she made her way to the door and left the house. After she left, Evan sent a quick text to Jared. He wasn’t sure if Jared had his phone on him, but it was worth a shot.

After a few attempts to make his text seem innocuous, yet still get his message across, Evan went with “Hey. My mom is going to see you later today. I told her you know about my letters, so you don’t need to worry about them. I’ll see you again later today!” He then added a hug emoji for good measure. Better safe than sorry in case someone else ever saw his messages.

————

Half an hour later, Evan found his way back to school. The school seemed way more lively than it usually did, but Evan wasn’t sure if people were actually more fired up after the post and half day or if it was just his imagination. Whichever it was, people were definitely staring at him more.

Evan could hear his and Jared’s names being whispered and could feel the eyes boring down into him. He ducked his head and tried to make himself as invisible as possible. Unfortunately it didn’t seem to work.

“Oh my god! Evan! How are you?” Evan heard an overly concerned voice call out to him. He turned around to see Alana running up to him. “It’s really tragic what happened to Jared the other day. Have you spoken to him at all since then? I’m sure that he would really love to hear from you. I know that...”

As Alana continued to drone on, Evan began looking for an escape. His attention was quickly brought back around to Alana when he heard her mention something about the letter.

“Wait, what?” Evan asked, hoping he head heard her wrong. “Yeah, well, I just wanted Jared to see that people did notice him, you know? In the letter he said he didn’t think anyone would notice if he disappeared, so I...” “So you posted it,” Evan said gravely. Something dangerous flashed in his eyes.

“Yup!” Alana said cheerfully, seeming to miss Evan’s anger. “I’m just so happy that so many people have responded. It’s really great to see all the love and support! I’m sure you must feel the same, right? It must be super hard to know that your best friend has secretly been suffering so much. If you ever need anything, feel free to reach out to me. I’m always happy to help!”

As Alana continued to ramble, Evan felt anger bubbling up under his skin. He wanted to say something, anything, to tell her off, but had no idea what. Instead he simply stood there, clenching his fists and taking deep breaths. All the while, Alana remained oblivious.

Just as Evan’s rage was hitting a breaking point, the school’s loudspeaker crackled to life. “Would Alana Beck please report to principal Howard’s office?” it requested. “Alana Beck to principal Howard’s office,” it repeated. Evan jolted a little at the request while Alana’s eyes grew wide in surprise.

“Oh, I guess I need to be going then. Well, umm, bye!” Alana said quickly to Evan before turning and running off. There was something weirdly grave about the announcement that worried her. She wanted to go and clear things up as soon as possible. There was no way that she had messed something up, had she?

Evan’s face flashed in Alana’s mind for a second. She hadn’t expected him to look happy, but he almost seemed mad. It was a little hard to tell what he was feeling since Evan always seemed to look distressed, but his reaction still seemed a little off.

A couple minutes later, Alana found herself standing outside the door to Principal Howard’s office. She had been in there many times before, but never called there like this. Alana was a model student. She did not get in trouble.

Alana took a couple deep breaths to compose herself then plastered a smile on her face. Not too big since Jared was still in the hospital, but big enough to keep herself friendly.

“Principal Howard?” Alana called out as she opened the door. “Hello miss Beck,” principal Howard replied. His voice was strained and there were bags under his eyes. Alana gulped when she saw how bad he looked. This was not a good sign.

“Is something wrong?” Alana asked, trying her best to keep her voice calm and under control. Principal Howard took a deep breath. “I have to ask first before I just accuse you. Did you post Jared’s suicide letter online?”

Alana felt the blood drain from her face. “Y-yes. I did,” she replied, her usually confident voice beginning to shake a little. Principal Howard stared sadly at her. “Why would you do that?” he finally asked.

“I wanted to help!” Alana exclaimed. “I wanted to show Jared that people did care! I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone!” Alana’s voice cracked a little as she spoke and she was no longer smiling.

_“What do you think happened? I want to know all the details!” “Well, he was always sort of an asshole. It doesn’t surprise me he doesn’t have any friends.” “If he and this Zoe girl don’t know each other, why does she matter? Is he stalking her?”_

“I don’t think I need to go on, do I?” Principal Howard asked, looking up at Alana. “People really said that?” she sniffled. Principal Howard nodded gravely. “They said a great deal many other things too. There was certainly a lot of supportive messages, but there were tons of curious ones and many that were outright mean. Jared didn’t ask you to share his note with everyone and it wasn’t your decision to make.”

Alana hung her head in shame. “I’ll take the post down,” she whispered. Principal Howard nodded. “Good,” he replied. “It’s not enough, is it?” Alana then asked. Principal Howard shook his head.

“For the time being at least, I think you should just head home for the rest of the day. We can discuss things more with the Kleinmans at a later date and figure out how to handle this. But yes, please do take your post down. It won’t stop things, but it’s a start.”

Alana nodded. She had no words left to say. Instead she simply turned and walked out of the office. The second the door closed behind her, Alana took off running. She didn’t stop until she made it all the way to the bus stop. Clearly there was someone she needed to see.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Evan tries to answer the questions of his classmates, he starts to wonder about his relationship with Jared.

When Connor finally spotted Evan, he was deep in a discussion with Alana. Connor still wasn’t sure it was a great idea to try talking to Evan again, but he had a lot of questions and didn’t trust himself not to blow up on Jared were he to talk to him instead. He also didn’t really trust Jared to tell the truth.

Connor couldn’t quite make out what Evan and Alana were saying over the hallway noise, but he could see the anger forming on Evan’s face. He guessed that Evan was none to happy about Jared’s note getting posted and he didn’t blame him.

As Connor was deciding if he should step in and interfere, the loud speaker abruptly crackled to life and called Alana to the office. Suddenly Evan was left standing all by himself. If there was ever going to be a good chance to talk to him, this was it.

Connor started to take a step forward when suddenly he felt someone brush past him. “Is he okay?” the student who pushed past Connor asked. “Are the rumors all really true?” another continued. Before long, Evan found himself surrounded by his classmates. He guessed that Alana had acted like a little bit of a buffer, but with her gone he was suddenly ambushed.

Realizing that he had absolutely no chance of talking to Evan now, Connor sighed and slipped away. More students continued to push past him as he went. Usually people tried to give him a wide berth, but he guessed they were all too excited to talk to Evan to notice him. Connor found himself feeling even more alone than normal.

————

Before Evan could decide how to answer the many questions coming his way, he heard the merciful sound of the bell ring. He sighed in relief as the hoards of students all broke up to head to their classes, but fear quickly seized him again when he realized they would be back later.

Sure enough, come lunch there was absolutely no escape. Evan’s usually empty table was now filled with curious classmates. Evan could feel the warning signs of an anxiety attack coming on as his classmates all started talking to him at once. He opened his mouth to try and speak, but only little squeaking noises came out. 

“Quiet!” Evan heard a voice shout. The mass of voices around him quieted down for a moment. “Can’t you see you guys see that you’re overwhelming him?” Zoe continued as she made her way over to the table. “We just want to know what happened,” someone protested. A number of heads nodded.

“And you think that surrounding him like paparazzi will help with that? Don’t you have any compassion?” Zoe countered. “Of course we do!” a different classmate piped up. “We just want to offer our support and sympathy.” More heads nodded and a few people murmured in agreement. 

Now that everyone wasn’t talking at him all at once, Evan began to take the situation in. Everyone was there because they were confused or concerned, yet none of them seemed to be friends with Jared before and certainly none of them were ever Evan’s friends. “Why does any of this matter so much to you anyways?” Evan asked, not realizing at first that he had spoken out loud.

Silence fell over the crowd. “We just want to understand,” someone finally said. “He never seemed suicidal. How does someone just one day decide that their life isn’t worth living?” Evan thought about this. How did one decide that? And what did suicidal even look like? Did he look suicidal? He had tried to kill himself and even his mom hadn’t realized. Maybe there was no good explanation for why someone suddenly felt that way. It was just a desperate, broken moment when nothing looked up in your life.

Evan realized that everyone, even Zoe, was staring expectantly at him. “I don’t know,” Evan finally admitted. “It’s not something you can just explain. If I could, then I would have been able to stop it. If I understood how to fix it, none of this ever would have happened. But it’s not such a simple thing. It’s probably a compound of small reasons. Pain built up and hidden away until you suddenly can’t hide it anymore. Until it suddenly becomes too much to handle and you don’t know what to do with it and you just want it to stop, so you just…”

Evan trailed off as he realized that he was talking about himself. Yet everyone seemed completely caught up in his words. “I mean, Jared, he, he was someone important to me. There were so many times when Jared was there for me when no one else was. But there were also times when the two of us were completely out of sync. Neither one of us is any good at reading people or interacting with people, but we always had each other. Only lately everything has been off and he was acting funny and I didn’t understand why.”

Evan thought about his interactions with Jared lately. Ever since Jared found his letter, he really had been acting funny. “I still don’t know if I really understand why things happened the way they did, but I know that I want to do something about it. Jared is someone important to me and I don’t want him to suffer.”

Evan realized that somehow, in his attempts to lie his way through this, he had actually hit the truth. This whole fake friendship thing was stupid. Evan didn’t want to pretend that he and Jared cared about each other. He wanted them to actually care about each other. Even if Jared hadn’t actually tried to kill himself, he still was in pain and he needed someone there by his side to care about him.

Evan turned towards Zoe and noticed that her eyes had grown watery. He took a deep breath. After all those years of pining, it wasn’t easy to finally face her head on, but he couldn’t leave things the way they were. “I’m really sorry about yesterday,” he apologized. “You were only trying to help me and I leaned on you in ways I shouldn’t have. Kindness and romance aren’t the same thing. You’ve been so incredibly kind to me and I shouldn’t have overstepped that bound.”

Zoe smiled a little ruefully at Evan. “Thank you. You seem like a sweet person. You really do. But I barely know you. Honestly, I just approached you yesterday since you seemed to be friends with my brother. I didn’t mean to go on such an emotional adventure with you. And maybe one day I could feel the same way towards you, but I think I would like to get to know you first,” Zoe admitted.

Evan turned bright red and nodded. “Thanks,” he choked out, obviously embarrassed. Zoe smiled, turning a little red herself. She had been really worried about the kiss and what to say about it, but she guessed she didn’t need to worry. Evan was a lot more perceptive when he wasn’t completely distraught. And he was a kind and genuine person. Zoe still had no idea how Evan and her brother had become friends, but she realized that she was glad that they were.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Connor listens to Evan talk to his classmates, he makes an important discovery.

Connor stood a little ways away from Evan’s table. Just as before, nobody bothered to notice him, not even Zoe. But he guessed being invisible wasn’t completely bad. He was able to listen to Evan in peace after all.

Evan’s assessment of Jared was interesting, yet surprisingly logical. Maybe Connor had been too hard on the other kid. Sure, Jared had said something really stupid, but it wasn’t like Connor had never messed up and hurt someone before. And if Jared actually was trying to make things right with Evan that day during lunch, then wasn’t giving him grief until he ran away just as cruel?

Guilt gnawed away at Connor. He just wanted to feel like someone cared about him, but had he accidentally hurt innocent people in the process? Why was everything always so difficult?

Before Connor could get too lost in his thoughts, he heard Evan speak directly to Zoe. Wait. Had something happened between the two of them the day before? And what? Had Zoe really talked to Evan because she thought that he and Evan were friends? She wanted to talk to one of his friends? Why would she want to do that? And what happened between her and Evan? They seemed to be okay with each other now, but had Evan hurt somehow hurt Zoe?

Connor felt like his head was going to explode. Nothing made sense anymore. Jared wasn’t a complete asshole. Zoe went out of her way for his sake. Evan had made advances on Zoe. What was going on? Connor felt so lost and confused.

Without anyone noticing, Connor turned and left the cafeteria. He needed some air and quiet. He thought back to what Evan said about the little things compounding. Honestly, he wasn’t wrong there. There were so many times when Connor had thought about doing it. So many times when just one more, tiny thing could have pushed him over the edge. And one time when a tiny thing had saved him.

When he and Evan wrote that letter together, the world seemed kind again, even if only for a short time. Evan had been a last hope for Connor, the one person he hoped might understand him. And in that moment, he had. The letter they wrote together was complete bs and Connor was pretty sure Evan knew it, yet it felt good to say that things were going to be okay. And it felt even better to have someone else agree.

Connor thought about the letter Jared had written. Earlier he had wondered if maybe the format was meant to be mocking to Evan, but Connor didn’t think that anymore. “ _Today isn’t going to be a good day.”_ It was clearly riffing off the letters Evan had to write, but how? Had Evan actually told Jared about them? He seemed so embarrassed by the whole idea when Connor found out. Connor guessed it was different to tell some you were close to than it was to tell a near stranger, but still.

There were so many things that didn’t make sense to Connor. There had to be something he was missing, some piece that made it all make sense. Connor thought back over everything he had learned and seen over the past four days. Somehow Jared, Evan, and Zoe were all players in it. He guessed that Alana was also a player, but she seemed to be more tangential, so Connor ignored her for now.

Connor thought about it. What did he know about those three for a fact? He knew that Jared had suddenly asked Evan to sit with him after years of eating alone the day after Connor and Evan first started hanging out. He knew that Jared had mentioned someone named Zoe in his letter, but had no proof it was his sister Zoe. He knew that Evan and his sister Zoe had suddenly spent time together because Zoe had seen him and Evan together. He knew that Evan had some sort of romantic interest in Zoe.

Zoe. Zoe. Zoe _._ The name Zoe seemed tied to everything. Surely there had to be some reason why. Why would Evan and Jared both independently care so much about a Zoe?

Then Connor suddenly remembered something else. _“Please don’t read that! That version was just a joke. It’s not something others should see,”_ Evan had pleaded before deleting whatever was on his screen.

What if… No. It couldn’t be, could it? Evan had been really upset with Alana for posting the note. And wasn’t it a note she had apparently found in Jared’s possession, but posted without his permission? What if the note wasn’t actually written by Jared? Maybe that’s why Evan was so scared for Connor to see his original draft. Why he had called it a joke. Only it wasn’t a joke at all. It was a cry for help. And Jared had found it and tried to respond. But Connor had chased him away.

Suddenly everything made sense. All of the missing pieces fell into place. Jared hadn’t written a suicide letter to Evan. Evan had written a suicide letter to himself. Only Connor had been there to help him. And when he failed, Zoe had stepped up and taken his place.

A wave of emotions washed through Connor. It hurt so much, yet felt so comforting. He wasn’t alone after all. And even though he had failed Evan, Zoe had unknowingly come to his rescue. Love surged through his chest. Connor had no idea how to act on it, but he knew he had to do something. He was the only one besides Evan and Jared who knew the truth. And the only one who knew what Zoe had done for him. He had to help them. He had to somehow help make things right.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana visits Jared in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update!

Alana took a deep breath as she approached the hospital’s door. She was absolutely terrified, yet she adamantly refused to show it. If she admitted that she was scared, then wouldn’t she be admitting that she knowingly did the wrong thing? But she hadn’t knowingly done the wrong thing, had she? She really was only trying to help, wasn’t she?

As Alana entered the building, she noticed a small gift store off in the corner. She quickly made her way over and started to examine the cards. She briefly wished she had thought to get all the other students to sign a card along with her, but quickly realized that wasn’t possible. She wasn’t allowed to be in school that day, so how was she supposed to get signatures?

Sighing, Alana picked out a friendly sounding get well soon card and a small bouquet of colorful flowers. At least she had some degree of an excuse to be visiting Jared now. Although she supposed that apologizing was reason enough on its own.

————

For his part, Jared found himself incredibly focused on his ceiling. He knew that he should be trying to sleep, but there were just too many thoughts swirling through his mind. He felt so pathetic and lonely, but he assumed that Evan was having a worse time of it than he was. The poor guy was probably completely overwhelmed right now. 

Jared wished he could just come back to school already. As long as he and Evan were pretending to be friends, he could do everything in his power to protect Evan and make sure he was okay. And he would do literally anything in his power. If dragging his reputation through the mud could somehow make Evan happier, he would do it. Nothing else mattered to him anymore.

Only, like usual, he had no idea what would actually help Evan. Earlier that day, Evan had texted him that his mom would be visiting later. Jared wasn’t really supposed to be using his phone, but his nurse had been kind enough to at least read the message to him when it had buzzed while he was being examined.

He was grateful for the warning and heads up about the therapy letter lie, but Jared still had no idea what to say to Heidi. He didn’t really know what Evan told her about their relationship and he didn’t want to accidentally make things worse. Clearly they needed to talk some more to get their stories straight.

Jared tensed up when he heard a knock on his door. “Come in,” he called out, his voice cracking. Jared assumed it was Heidi on the other side, so he blinked in surprise at the person who actually entered. “Alana?” he asked, his voice cracking again. “Hi Jared,” Alana said sadly. Jared cocked his head in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

Alana felt her heart sink. Jared didn’t know. He didn’t know what she had done to him. How could she tell him just what she had done? He looked so broken and alone already. How could she make it worse? 

“I brought flowers,” she said weakly. Jared smiled sadly at her. “Thanks,” he replied after a moment of silence. “Is there somewhere I should put them?” Alana pressed on. Jared shrugged. “Anywhere is fine,” he said, motioning around the barren room. Alana bit her lip as her eyes followed Jared’s hand. She was surprised that no one else had brought him flowers or a card. She would have thought that at least his parents would have gotten him something. 

“My parents got me chocolate, but I already ate it all,” Jared explained, as if reading Alana’s mind. “And it sounds like Evan will be by again later today. He was just a little overwhelmed yesterday.” Alana offered a nod and a weak smile. She guessed that made sense, but the uncertainty on Jared’s face made it hard for her to completely believe it. 

After setting the card and flowers down on the table by Jared’s bed, Alana retreated a little to stand back by Jared’s feet. Jared cocked his head at her. Alana was one of the most obnoxiously optimistic people Jared had ever met. She went almost nowhere without the fakest of smiles he had ever seen.

Only Alana wasn’t smiling now. She actually seemed genuinely upset and it was a little unsettling to Jared. The two stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a few seconds. “So…” Jared finally said, breaking the silence. Alana took a deep breath.

“Jared, I…” Alana closed her eyes and composed herself. “I’m so sorry Jared. I did something horrible and it wasn’t fair of me. I told myself I was doing it for your sake, but I wasn’t. I was just being selfish and I’m so sorry!”

Jared stiffened in surprise and closed his eyes. But when he opened them, Alana was still there. So Jared tried again. Then again. Why was she still there? This was just a nightmare, right? This was all just a vision created by his guilty conscience, wasn’t it? Because he hadn’t done any of it for Evan’s sake, had he? No matter how many times he told himself that he had, Jared hadn’t cut himself out because he thought it was better for Evan. He had done it to protect himself.

“Jared?” Alana asked nervously. Jared continued to blink. “Jared?” she asked again. “Are you okay?” There was still no response. “Jared!” Alana cried out, genuinely frightened. Jared seemed to snap out of it as tears began to form in his eyes. 

“Evan,” he whimpered. Alana rushed over to his side. “Oh Jared! I’m so sorry! Please, tell me what I can do to make things better,” Alana pleaded. “Evan,” Jared whimpered again. “You need Evan?” Alana asked. “Do you need me to find him? To help him? What do you need me to do?” 

Jared stared miserably up at Alana. “I messed up,” he whispered. “Jared?” she asked again. “I hurt him so badly. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I was too weak and scared and pathetic. I let my own selfish fears cause him pain. I should have been there for him! I should have been honest with him! I should have…”

Jared’s words were cut off in a hug. “Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay now,” Alana assured him. She rubbed his back gently. “It’s going to be okay. Somehow it will all be okay.” Alana felt tears stream down her own cheeks. How could she have done something like this?

“I’m really sorry I posted your letter. It wasn’t my place to do so. I thought I was helping you by showing just how many people would care if you disappeared, but all I was really doing was trying to show myself that people can show kindness. It wasn’t your loneliness I was trying to cure, but rather mine. I’m so sorry that I used you for my own selfish sake,” Alana apologized.

As though only just realizing Alana was there, Jared slowly looked up and stared at her. A part of him wanted to be mad. After all, she was the one who posted the letter and started this whole mess. Yet he just couldn’t feel any anger. Alana was no different than he was. She was lonely and depressed and just wanted something, anything, to make things better, but she had no idea what that something was.

Jared forced himself to meet Alana’s eyes. “People would notice if you disappeared,” he assured her. “I would notice if you disappeared. You and I might not be friends, but I know how much you do for our school. And not just as a student body president. You are a kind person. You spread kindness as you go. People would notice if that disappeared. I promise.”

Alana sniffled and hugged Jared tightly. “I would notice if you disappeared too. You might think that you’re invisible behind your walls, but I see you now. On that day, I saw myself lying on the supply closet floor, but now I see you. I might not know you all that well, but you aren’t invisible. And I would like to get to know you. You seem like someone I would really like.”

Jared chuckled a little. “I don’t know about that,” he admitted, “but I’d like to get to know you too. I feel like we've both lived behind walls all our lives, but maybe it's okay to let each other in, even if only a little. Just promise me that you’ll apologize to Evan for this."

Alana nodded solemnly. “I promise,” she swore. Her face then broke out into a grin, causing Jared to wordlessly smile back at her. 

The two remained that way, silently enjoying each others' company, for a few more minutes before a nurse entered to kick Alana out. And although their discussion was interrupted, neither really minded. They had said their pieces to one another. All that was left now was to wait and see what became of their promise. 

Besides, now Jared could further mull over his relationship with Evan. If he really was going to start letting others in behind his walls, then maybe it was time he finally told Evan the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some Alana love!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan, Jared, and Connor have all found themselves faced with a difficult upcoming conversation and each prepares in his own way.

Half an hour later, Jared heard another knock on his door. His chest tightened in anticipation once more, but he found he was no longer as afraid to face Heidi as he had been before talking to Alana. He hoped that was a sign he was finally doing the right thing.  
   
“Come in,” Jared called out, offering a weak smile to the woman who entered his room.  
   
“Hi Jared,” Heidi replied with a sympathetic smile. “How are you feeling? Everyone here treating you alright?” Jared simply shrugged in response. “Is that a good shrug or a bad shrug?” Heidi pressed on. Jared shrugged again, but contemplated his answer.  
   
“I’ve been better,” he finally replied, “but I’ve also been worse too. There were some pretty bad lows there, but I’m doing okay now. It’s not easy to look at your decisions and realize you’ve made a horrible mistake, but at least I now have some idea of my path forward.”  
   
Although Jared’s response was purposefully vague, it was not untrue and he felt a wistful smile flicker across his face. “Your son has played a huge part in that, you know?” Jared continued, causing Heidi to smile.  
   
“I didn’t,” Heidi admitted as she made her way over to Jared. She placed her flowers down on the bedside table beside Alana’s then dragged the chair back next to Jared’s bed and sat down.  
   
 “I don’t know what exactly you two have said to each other since that day, but I’m so happy to know that you’re doing better and I’m sure Evan will be thrilled as well. I don’t always know what’s going on in Evan’s life, but it’s clear even to me that you mean a lot to him and I know he was heartbroken to see you in so much pain.”  
   
As Heidi spoke, Jared began to sniffle. The thought of Evan worrying about him both filled and broke Jared’s heart.  
   
Noticing the tears forming in his eyes, Heidi reached out and took Jared’s hands into her own. “I was heartbroken by it too,” she continued. “You might not be my biological son, but you will always be a part of this family, Jared. I don’t know how much the love of a friend’s mom does for you, but please know it’s always there.”  
   
Jared’s sniffles turned into sobs once more as he reached up to hug Heidi. A part of him felt guilty for accepting her love given the way he treated her son, but that was all going to change, so he decided it was okay. He was going to become a better person and a better friend. If he was lucky enough to have the love of his best friend and his best friend’s family, then by god he was going to earn it.  
   
————  
   
After school let out, Evan stopped by a flower shop to pick something up for Jared. His original plan was just to buy something at the grocery store or hospital gift shop, but Evan now wanted his gift to have a little bit more meaning that that.  
   
He walked around the rows of flowers, wondering which to buy. Maybe white orchids as an apology, blue hyacinths as an offering of peace, white tulips for a new beginning, or just some roses as an offering of friendship and compassion?  
   
Evan scrolled desperately through the lists of flower meanings he had pulled up on his phone, hoping to find some that somehow said “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and I really do care about you and want our friendship to work, but also I’m still sort of mad at you for the way you make me feel bad about myself.” There just didn’t seem to be any flowers that captured the right vibe.  
   
There was also the fact that any flowers Evan brought to Jared would wilt in a couple of days. How could he make promises for the future with something so short lived? Well, not really lived at all, Evan supposed. It seemed almost cruel to be buying something dead for a person who supposedly tried to kill himself.  
   
So Evan continued wandering until he eventually found himself leaving the main room and entering a smaller room to the side. There on a shelf sat a little row of cacti. Unlike the flowers, the cacti were actually potted and Evan felt his face bloom into a grin as he picked up one with a bright pink flower on it. It was perfect for Jared.  
   
It was rough and prickly, but still beautiful and full of life. Not to mention that, according to the list he was currently reading, the cactus meant warmth, endurance, and protection. It seemed to be the perfect gift.  
   
And while it wasn’t enough to calm down the frantic beating of Evan’s heart or stop the sweat from leaking from his hands when he thought about actually going to see Jared again, the cactus still leant a little bit of support to Evan. It was the first step in the right direction; he just knew it.  
   
 ————  
   
Connor almost made it to the end of the day, but come last period, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He hadn’t really been paying any attention in the past few periods anyways, so what was the point? There were just too many thoughts rolling around in his head to cram classes in there as well.  
   
Although Connor still had a lot of questions about the whys of it all, he chose to focus mainly on what his response should be. Given the fantastic way he had handled their friendship so far, it was clear that Connor would have to plan things out in advance before he just stepped up and acted.  
   
He didn’t want to come off as aggressive and just confront Jared or Evan about it, but he honestly had no idea how to help. The last thing he wanted was to be like Alana and accidentally make things much worse, but Connor was pretty sure that she had been trying to help in her own way too. So what was he to do? Who was there to talk to?

Connor sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. The answer was obvious, but that didn’t mean it was going to be easy. 

Connor couldn’t remember the last time he had sat down and had a civilized conversation with his sister and he had absolutely no idea if she would be willing to have one now. But he had to try. Zoe was at the center of things and she was possibly the only person who could help Connor now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I saw Dear Evan Hansen live last night and it was amazing! I now want to give everyone a hug even more. Especially Zoe. I’ve always liked her, but watching the show last night made me love her so much more than before. That girl needs so many hugs! Good thing my story is finally approaching some happier parts!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan visits Jared and gives him the cactus while Connor finally attempts to talk to Zoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! I'm sorry for the really long absence. Hopefully future updates will be more frequent, but I think I clearly can't make promises. They won't take longer than this one though! Anyways, I hope this update is worth the wait. I'm posting 2 chapters today (because I worked on this instead of my responsibilities today and was able to actually get some writing done). Hope you enjoy them!

Evan held the cactus close as he made his way to Jared’s hospital room. He had been really excited by his idea when he first had it, but now he wondered if it wasn’t actually really stupid. Surely Jared would just laugh at him for trying too hard.

Yet Evan wasn’t going to turn back now. No matter how Jared reacted to him and his cactus, Evan had to do this. He owed at least that to his one and only family friend. 

When he reached Jared’s door, Evan stopped and took a couple deep breaths before finally reaching out and knocking. “Come in,” a tired sounding Jared called out.

Taking one final deep breath, Evan pushed the door open and found himself face to face with both Jared Kleinman and his mother. The previously empty bedside table sat full with two vases of flowers, a card, and a box of chocolate. 

“Evan!” Mrs. Kleinman exclaimed in delight. “Oh, it’s so good to see you! Jared said you would probably be by any time now. I can skedaddle if you want some time alone.”

Evan winced at the wide smile and bubbly cheerfulness coming from Mrs. Kleinman. It was clear that she was trying to put on a happy face for Jared, but underneath it she just looked exhausted. Even her extra-thick coating of makeup couldn’t hide the dark circles forming under her eyes.

“Umm…” Evan began, clutching the cactus tightly and looking uncomfortably between mother and son. While Mrs. Kleinman was smiling broadly, Jared suddenly seemed very interested in his sheets.

A part of Evan felt like he was intruding where he didn’t belong. What right did he have to kick out a clearly distressed parent when he wasn’t even Jared’s friend? But a part of Evan also knew that he was just making excuses. 

“Thanks mom,” Jared finally muttered, breaking the silence. Mrs. Kleinman smiled at her son before pressing a kiss to his forehead and heading for the door. Evan stood uncomfortably still as she left, only turning to face Jared once the door was closed behind him.

“Hi,” he said weakly, forcing himself to maintain eye contact. “Hey,” Jared replied, equally as weakly. “I, uh, I brought you this,” Evan continued, holding up the cactus. “Oh, uh, thanks,” Jared replied, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly as he gulped. 

“Can I…” Evan trailed off as he pointed to the table with the other flowers. Jared blinked in confusion before his eyes lit up in understanding. “Oh! Yeah! Of course! Go right ahead!” he agreed, his voice cracking as he spoke. Evan nodded and silently placed the cactus down beside the flowers.

The two boys stared silently at each other, neither ready to speak first, yet each knowing that he had to say something. Finally, after what felt like centuries had passed, Evan spoke up again.

“I wanted to give you something alive,” he said, pointing towards the cactus. “And it made me think of you. You know, with the prickles, and the flower, and the being alive, and according to the internet, the cactus symbolizes tha…” Evan trailed off when he realized that he was incoherently rambling. 

“What does it symbolize?” Jared asked coarsely. “Warmth, endurance, and protection,” Evan admitted, his face growing hot in embarrassment. “And that makes you think of me?” Jared enquired, his voice a barely audible whisper. Evan nodded silently. “It makes me think of how you make me feel. And how I should have made you feel,” he admitted.

Jared stared silently at Evan, not even daring to blink for fear of breaking the moment. After his encounter with Alana, Jared was inclined to believe this wasn’t actually a dream, yet he couldn’t understand what Evan was saying.  
Sensing Jared’s confusion, Evan rubbed the back of his neck and took a deep breath. “Jared,” Evan then continued, “I think we need to talk.” Jared nodded in agreement. “Grab a seat,” he offered. “I have some things I want to tell you too.”

————

All Connor wanted to do was go to his room and start planning what to say. Unfortunately, as he approached his house, he could see that some lights were on. It made sense, he supposed, as his mom didn’t usually have anywhere to be on Fridays, but it didn’t make things easy.

Connor knew that if his mom saw him home before the school day was over, she would want to know why. He was pretty sure he could just ignore her and she wouldn’t push, but it didn’t seem like the best plan to cause problems right before he talked to Zoe.

Connor knew he was never going to get his parents on his side, but at the very least, he didn’t want anyone against him just yet. Talking to Zoe was going to be a delicate operation and Connor honestly didn’t have a lot of confidence that it would work out. He just didn’t really know what else to do.

Realizing that there was no way to get inside unnoticed, Connor sat down under a tree by the driveway and pulled out a notebook. At this point he had around forty minutes before Zoe made it home, and he planned to use every last one of them to prepare.

————

Zoe had never been more relieved to hear the final bell ring than she was now. It had been a long and emotionally charged day and she was ready to just get away from it all that weekend.

After lunch, she and Evan seemed to be in a better place than they were before. She had offered to drive Evan home that day, but he had informed her that he was going to visit Jared and already had transportation arranged.

Zoe figured it was probably better that way. Although she had been briefly caught up in the drama, Zoe wasn’t really a part of everything. It was unlikely at this point that she was the Zoe in the letter and it just seemed safer to fall back into the background and leave Evan’s spotlight to him.

That’s where Zoe felt safest anyways. When she was just one of the crowd, it meant that she wasn’t being singled out as Connor Murphy’s sister or even just as some pretentious rich kid. Zoe longed for normalcy, but knew that practically there was no way she was ever going to obtain it.

With a sigh, Zoe turned into her driveway. She only made it a few feet up before she noticed something moving out of the corner of her eye. Slowing down and looking back, Zoe’s heart nearly stopped when she saw someone’s arm disappear behind the tree.

For a few fearful seconds, Zoe debated if it made more sense to make a break for it into her house, drive away, or stay in her car and call the police. Before she could make a decision, the person stepped out from behind the tree.

————

Over the past forty minutes, Connor had accumulated a large pile of crumpled up notebook paper and exactly zero solid plans on what he wanted to say. Connor knew he wasn’t very good at expressing his feelings, but he had hoped that he could come up with some sort of plan in advance. Unfortunately it didn’t seem like he was going to have anything more than a list of things not to say by the time Zoe arrived.

Lost in his negative thoughts, Connor almost missed Zoe’s car pulling up the road. As she rolled into the driveway, Connor attempted to duck behind the tree he was sitting under, but quickly realized that he had been spotted.

Acknowledging that he had already probably blown things, but not willing to give up just yet, Connor found himself taking a deep breath and stepping out from behind the tree.

He could feel Zoe’s eyes boring down on him as he walked towards her. They were filled with a mix of apprehension and anger, and Connor didn’t really blame her. He just hoped that he could convince her to listen to him.

Connor stopped next to Zoe’s window. Zoe’s car was somewhat low to the ground, forcing Connor to bend over to look in. From the other side of the glass, Connor was met with a pair of icy eyes.

“What do you want?” Zoe demanded, not bothering, or perhaps refusing, to roll down her window. “Can we talk?” Connor asked, uncharacteristically quietly. Zoe stared at him in shock for a second before quickly recovering. “Why?” she demanded, her face as expressionless as she could manage.

Connor took a deep breath. This was it. “Look. I heard your conversation with Evan at lunch today, okay?” he began. He looked to Zoe to see how she was reacting, but her face remained unreadable. “And I heard what you two said to each other about your relationship or whatever and why you approached him and…” Connor trailed off as he realized he was getting off track.

“Look. I just want to talk to you about Evan, okay. I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you or why you wanted to talk to him in the first place, but he…” 

“But he what?” Zoe cut Connor off. “Who I spend time with and why I do it is none of your business. I’m not stealing him from you and I’m allowed to have friends too,” she snapped, her eyes turning stormy with anger.

“Now, if you’re quite done, I have homework to take care of,” Zoe continued, turning to open the passenger side door to exit her car. Quickly realizing what she was about to do, Connor ran around to the other side and grabbed her as the door opened.

A second later, Connor understood what he had done, but by then it was already too late. The sound of Zoe’s scream struck painfully at his heart and Connor immediately let go. Tears welled up in his eyes and it took all his restraint not to turn and kick Zoe’s car in anger. Why was he so uselessly bad at this?

Zoe landed with a thud on the ground as the resistance on her arm was released. She stared up in horror at her brother, clearly frightened by whatever she thought he was going to do to her. 

Only Connor didn’t do anything. Instead he just stood there, clenching his fists and raggedly breathing. He closed his eyes and attempted to regain some degree of composure. He didn’t have to fix things with Zoe, just talk to her before she got up and ran away.

“Jared didn’t write that note, you know,” he finally forced out, as he heard Zoe starting to get back up. “He only found it. Evan was the one who wrote it. Back on the first day of school.” Zoe slipped back onto the ground in shock. “Look after him, okay. I’m not really his friend anymore, but I think he needs someone. And Jared too. That motherfucker might need a friend as well.”

Connor turned to leave, but stopped and turned back to face Zoe. “And look after yourself, okay? I don’t know what Evan is to you, but you’re the Zoe in his letter. I want him to be okay, but not at your expense. So just… just be safe, okay?”

Before Zoe could fully comprehend what her brother had said, let alone form a response, he was off and running. A second later she heard her mom rush outside.

“Zoe!” Cynthia cried, seeing her daughter lying on the ground. “Are you okay?” she asked, concerned. Zoe snapped out of her shock with a nod of her head. 

“Yeah,” she lied. “I just tripped and fell. I’m fine,” she assured her mom. And she was fine, wasn’t she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the long wait, I would feel too bad about not really resolving things in this update, so enjoy some healing coming up in the next chapter!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan finally talk things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm finally back. So if you're picking this up again after the long wait, go back one chapter. I posted 2 today and don't want to leave you confused!

“So…” Evan began. “Yeah…” Jared replied. “Umm... I, well, I mean, you, you…” Evan winced at his inability to talk. Why was this so hard to do? Even if he couldn’t talk to most people, Jared was usually an exception.

For his part, Jared felt horrible as he watched Evan struggling to get his words out. Unable to stand Evan’s pain any longer, Jared finally broke the tension himself. “How was school today?” he asked, desperate just to get any sort of conversation started. “Oh, ah, okay I guess,” Evan replied, looking away uncomfortably.

“No one making things weird?” Jared pressed on. Evan smiled at little at that. “No, lots of people making it weird. Fortunately Zoe came to my rescue today.” “Oh,” Jared said softly. He seemed to deflate a little. “Yeah,” Evan agreed. “She’s a pretty amazing person and I really lucky to seemingly have befriended her,” Evan paused to smile at the memory before continuing, “but she isn’t the only person in my life I feel that way about,” he concluded.

Jared offered a weak smile to Evan. “It’s crazy to think that you and the Murphy siblings are so close now, but I’m happy for you. You deserve good friends who care about you and look out for you,” Jared reassured Evan. “Which is why-“

Jared’s words were cut off as Evan started to speak again. “What did you say?” Jared asked, realizing he hadn’t heard what Evan had been trying to tell him. “What did you say?” Evan asked, feeling bad that he had cut Jared off.

“Nothing important,” Jared muttered, looking down to hide his reddening face. “Oh,” Evan said uncomfortably. “Yeah,” Jared agreed once more. Evan then took a deep breath. “What I was trying to say is that I wasn’t talking about Connor,” Evan admitted. “I mean, I do like him and he might like me back, not in a romantic way or anything, but well…” Evan trailed off, realizing that Connor wasn’t really important right this second.

Jared looked confused. “So who were you talking about then?” he asked. Evan smiled sadly at the other young man. “Do you really not know?” he asked. Jared’s eyes wandered over to the cactus. Evan had said some absurdly sweet things about him in regards to it, but surely Evan wasn’t saying what he hoped he was saying. Only, if he was saying it, then wouldn’t it be cruel to not suggest it?

“I have a guess,” Jared admitted. “It’s probably really incorrect, and please don’t be offended by it, but if you’re not talking about one of the Murphys, then the only other person I can think of, and like I said, I’m probably wrong, but the only person coming to mind is, well, me.”

The second the words were out of his mouth, Jared buried his face in his hands and waited for Evan to react. He wasn’t sure if he expected laughter or anger more, but he certainly didn’t expect a pair of arms to wrap tightly around him.

“Of course it’s you, Jared. Who else could it be? Who else has stood beside me even through the worst of times? Who else was always there to ground me when I felt like I was going to completely lose it? Who else saw evidence of me suffering and tried so hard to make me feel wanted? What I suggested to you about your car insurance was cruel and unfair and I’m sorry. I don’t want to just pretend to be your friend. Even if all we ever are is family friends, I still love your company so much and I don’t want to lose it.”

Jared sat silently as he listened to Evan’s words, but the second Evan fell silent again, Jared began to laugh. It was a broken, bitter sounding laugh that frightened Evan enough to cause him to let go.

“You think I’ve stood beside you and kept you grounded? You think I’ve wanted to be your family friend? You think I’m mad at you for what you suggested? Oh, Evan! No! You’ve got it all wrong! You’ve got it all backwards!”

Evan winced at Jared’s words. After everything that happened recently, he had been so sure that Jared placed value on their friendship too. Had he been wrong about that?

“You aren’t the one who needs to apologize to me,” Jared continued. “You aren’t the one who needs to feel like he messed up or said the wrong thing. You don’t need to be mad at yourself or think that you overacted. And you certainly shouldn’t be content with being my family friend. How could you possibly be content remaining my family friend? I’m awful to you, Evan! Truly awful! I’m not approachable or supportive. I make fun of your interests, fears, and desires. I act like I’m some cool kid who couldn’t be bothered to make time for the awkward kid he’s forced to be around, when really you are the best thing that has ever happened to me!”

Jared took a few ragged deep breaths, trying to calm his nerves. His entire body was shaking in fear and self-loathing. But for however bad a shape he was in, Evan seemed to be even more shaken. 

“Evan?” Jared asked nervously. “Evan?” he asked again when there was no response. Evan’s breathing came in short, rapid gasps. “I need you to breathe for me, okay,” Jared pleaded gently. “Come on. Breathe with me now. One. Two. Three. Four. There we go. One. Two. Three. Four.” Jared continued counting and breathing with Evan until his breathing seemed to return to normal. 

“Are you okay there, Ev?” Jared asked kindly. Evan nodded weakly. “I’m okay,” he responded. “That was just a lot for me to handle. Apologizing was scary enough, but then I thought you were trying to tell me that you don’t like me, only you were really saying that you do. It was just a lot to take in at once,” he admitted.

Jared looked down at his sheets. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I wish it didn’t come as such a surprise to you. You should have always known that you were my best, and only, friend. I should have just been honest with you from the start, but I was too scared to tell you the truth. I never meant to hurt you, but I knew that I was and I still did it anyways. And that’s truly unforgivable. But if for some reason you still want to be my friend, then I would be honored to try again. I can’t promise I won’t ever fuck up again, but I promise I’ll start trying way harder. It’s the least I can do for you. It’s the bear minimum you deserve from me.”

Evan stared at Jared for a second, just taking his “family” friend in. His face had gone red, tears were streaming down his cheeks, and his hands were shaking like crazy. Evan had never seen Jared look so broken and alone before, but he had a sinking suspicion that that had less to do with Jared’s feelings and more to do with how he expressed them.

“Am I really your best friend?” Evan finally asked. Jared couldn’t help but snort at the question. “You are the most important person in the world to me. You mean the world to me. I would do anything for you. I mean it. Anything at all. Whatever you ask of me, I’ll do. I just want you to be happy. I want you to find friendship, love, acceptance, and all those other things you deserve. Nothing else matters to me anymore. Nothing else should have mattered to me. I was so stupid. I put my fake reputation above your happiness. What sort of person does that? I let myself-“

Jared’s words were cut off as Evan threw his arms back around him and pulled him in close. “That’s not what I asked, Jared. I don’t want you to put me above yourself. I don’t want you to ruin your reputation or feel uncomfortable for my sake. And I don’t want you to silently suffer any longer. If you really want to do something for me, then start letting me in and showing me how you feel. I’m not good at reading people, so I might need some help understanding at times, but I want to be there for you. I’m not just going to abandon you again. I promise. So please, please just let me in.”

Jared sobbed loudly into Evan’s chest. He felt so warm and safe there. He still didn’t really find it fair that he was the one being comforted when he was also the bully in their relationship, but he didn’t want to break away from Evan. So instead, Jared wiggled his arms away from Evan’s chest and tightly wrapped them around his friend. At the very least, he was going to make sure Evan felt safe and loved too.

And Evan did. As Jared’s arms tightened around him, Evan finally understood just how much Jared cared about him. After so many years of confusion and uncertainty about their relationship, it finally made sense. This was what they were. This was what they had always been and hopefully always would be. They were absolutely terrible at expressing their emotions to each other, but the feelings had always been there.

The two boys held onto each other and cried until a knock on the door startled them into separating. “Who is it?” Jared called out. “I’m afraid I’m here to kick your friend out,” the voice replied. “I can give you a couple minutes to say goodbye though, if you want.” Jared looked at Evan and smiled. “Thanks. I’d like that,” he agreed.

Noticing the smile, Evan smiled back at Jared. “I’ll come back again tomorrow, and the next day, and however many more days you are here. And when you are let out, let’s celebrate together, okay?” Jared nodded enthusiastically. “And you can teach me more about the cactus next time you come. You said it reminded you of me. I’d love to know why.”

Evan smiled embarrassedly. “It’s not quite a perfect analogy, I mean you’re way more huggable, but it really just means that, even if you’re a little rough and prickly sometimes, you’re still full of beauty and life.” 

Jared grinned and booped Evan affectingly on the nose. “You are just the cutest thing in the entire world, you know that?” Evan’s face turned a deeper shade of red. “Thank you for everything today,” Jared continued. “I’m so lucky to have a friend like you.” Evan giggled and booped Jared back. “And I’m lucky to have a friend like you, the real you. And I’m looking forward to spending more time with him.” 

Jared grinned then threw his arms around Evan once more. “The real Jared is here to stay. And he wants nothing more than to spend time with you. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can’t wait to go back to school. It’s going to be so much better with you by my side.” Evan grinned and hugged Jared in return. “I’m excited too,” he agreed.

Just then the two boys heard another knock on the door. “Well, I guess that’s my cue to leave,” Evan said, standing up. “Well, uh, thanks for stopping by,” Jared replied as he watched his friend approach the door. “Any time,” Evan assured him. “I’m always going to be there for my best friend.” The two boys grinned at each other. “Same,” Jared promised. “Bye, best friend,” he then said with a wave. “See you tomorrow, best friend,” Evan agreed, before opening the door and walking out with a wide smile and a warmed heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's been a conspicuous lack of Alana in these past 2 chapters, but don't worry. She'll be back soon. And hopefully I'll be back with another update again soon too! There's finally some happiness here!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan, Alana, and Zoe start looking towards the future and where to go from here.

The next morning, Evan woke up bright and early to the sound of his alarm going off. He didn’t usually set an alarm on Saturday mornings, but it just made sense that day.

His mom’s shift didn’t start until 9, but he figured that if he was going to catch a ride with her to the hospital, he might as well spend some time with her that morning.

He knew he didn’t need to bribe his mom with breakfast for her to take him; Heidi seemed absolutely thrilled when Evan came home the night before grinning from ear to ear. It was just a nice thing for them to do together.

It also helped with the guilt he felt from lying to her about the letter. At least now he wasn’t lying about his friendship with Jared anymore. Besides, it wasn’t like he actually meant the letter as a suicide note himself. He didn’t want to die. Not anymore, at least.

Thinking about his botched suicide attempt brought tears to Evan’s eyes. That was one thing he still hadn’t told anyone about, not even Jared.

Evan stared sadly down at the names written on his cast. The giant letters of Jared’s name had seemed so imposing before, but now they just made his heart ache. 

Evan pulled his arm in close and held it up against his chest. He thought back to Jared’s strange behavior after finding his letter. Evan now knew how hard he had been trying to act supportive and nice. Was it possible Jared had already figured the truth out? 

Evan smiled sadly. Maybe he would tell Jared. Evan felt like he deserved to know. And maybe one day he would tell his mom too. She definitely deserved to know. The question was just if he would be strong enough to face her.

Evan didn’t have an answer for that. He knew he wasn’t ready to tell her now, but he hadn’t given up hope entirely. For now though, breakfast together was at least a start.

————

Zoe’s night had not been quite as restful as Evan’s. The fact that Connor hadn’t returned until the wee hours of the morning didn’t help any. 

Zoe couldn’t believe she had been so worried about her brother’s absence, yet she hadn’t been able to calm down until he was safe at home. He had seemed so broken when he ran off, and honestly, when he hadn’t come home for dinner, Zoe had started to get a little scared.

What he had told her earlier in the day still echoed in her mind. Just what had Connor been talking about? Theoretically his words made sense, but were there actually any truth behind them? How did he even know any of this in the first place? And why had he told her?

But the parts that truly worried Zoe were not what Connor had said, but rather what he hadn’t. Connor had never once before, in all his life, come to Zoe for help. And now that he finally had, he hadn’t included himself in that plea. Why did Connor care so much about Evan and Jared, of all people, that he was willing to leave himself so vulnerable?

Now at least Connor was home again. Zoe could hear him fighting with their parents. Something about coming home at a ridiculous hour, stoned out of his mind. It was clear from the argument that Connor just wanted to go back to his room and go to sleep.

For a brief second, Zoe debated venturing downstairs and siding with him. She didn’t approve of the way that he made everyone worry, but honestly she saw no reason why this couldn’t wait until Connor had gotten a good night of sleep and some time to let his mind clear. He was obviously stressed right now and the fighting wasn’t going to do anyone any good.

Zoe let out a small chuckle when she realized what she was thinking. Was she actually thinking about willingly getting involved in a fight Connor was in? Did she have a death wish or something? 

But Zoe knew she didn’t. It wasn’t that she wanted to get into a fight or even that Connor was saying anything different from usual. She just wasn’t looking at him quite as negatively right now. 

For the first time in years, Zoe saw something softer peaking through Connor’s harsh exterior. That didn’t mean she was suddenly going to become friendly with him, and she had absolutely no intention of actually going down and getting involved in the fight, but maybe she could do what he asked her to.

Zoe let out a deep breath. She didn’t have to do this. She could easily just return to the background and no one would be the wiser. Connor couldn’t actually force her to befriend Evan and Jared. 

But as she remembered the Evan’s gentle eyes and Connor’s desperate ones, Zoe realized she no longer wanted to do that. Even if she didn’t know him all that well, Evan was her friend. And even if she sometimes hated Connor with all her heart, deep down Zoe knew that a part of her loved him too. Her fear that night was proof of that.

So as a bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived Zoe woke up the next morning, it was with a new sense of purpose that she forced herself out of bed. Before she could do anything more, Zoe had to make sure Connor’s claims were true. Only Zoe didn’t want to interrogate Evan. He was trying so hard to pull through right now and she didn’t want to ruin that.

So with Evan out of the picture, that left only one more option. Zoe wasn’t sure how Jared was going to react to her presence, but if she wanted information, he was probably her best bet. Maybe she would stop and pick up some flowers or something before she got there. Whether or not what Connor had told her was actually true, she figured Jared could use all the cheering up he could get.

————

Despite the nice breakfast, Evan quickly discovered the downside of riding with his mom to the hospital. Much to his dismay, visiting hours didn’t start until 10, so Evan had an hour left to wait. And while he knew that he really couldn’t complain too much since he didn’t have to ride the bus, Evan still really didn’t enjoy the feeling of sitting alone in a waiting room for an hour.

He debated briefly going to the little shop in the hospital to buy something else for Jared, if only to have some sort of a gift to hold onto to make it more obvious to people that he was there to visit someone, but ultimately decided that the discomfort of having to interact with the store clerk outweighed the benefit holding a gift would provide. Besides, Evan had already given Jared something heartfelt, so anything else would just seem excessive. 

As he waited to be allowed into Jared’s room, Evan permitted himself to go back onto social media and see what was going on. He had sort of been avoiding it ever since that night at Zoe’s, but his curiosity had finally gotten the better of him.

Evan was both surprised and relieved to see that new posts about the letter seemed to be more supportive than they had been before. He wondered if maybe his little speech at lunch had actually made some sort of difference. At any rate, people didn’t seem to be shitting on Jared anymore, so that was a huge relief. 

It also appeared that the original post had been removed. By this point, people had reposted the letter, so the damage was already done, but it was still sort of nice to see the initial one gone. It was almost like an admission of guilt.

Evan had to admit that he was still pretty pissed at Alana. He was pretty sure that she really had only been trying to help, but it wasn’t her place. Although, Evan couldn’t help but wonder if maybe this had actually helped in some twisted sort of way. If the letter had never been posted, would Jared have been left to suffer in silence?

Evan felt a wave of nausea bubble up in his gut. He knew that Jared didn’t blame him for anything, but he still felt horrible. Evan started to wish that he had gone to buy something for Jared just so he could cling onto it. His phone was too small to keep him grounded.

“Hey,” he suddenly heard a soft voice say from behind him. Evan tilted his head back and found Alana staring down at him. “Hey,” Evan replied weakly, unhappy to see Alana, but grateful for the distraction. 

“Can I sit with you?” Alana asked. She was still smiling as always, but it seemed smaller and sadder than usual and didn’t quite reach her eyes. Evan made a halfhearted motion towards the chair to his right and Alana cautiously sank down into it.

“I’m guessing you’re here to see Jared?” Alana pressed on, choosing to be encouraged by Evan’s permission to sit with him instead of discouraged by his lukewarm reaction to her presence. Evan nodded in agreement. Alana paused for a second to consider her words, biting her lip in the process. Eventually she seemed to come to a decision and turned to face Evan head on. 

“I spoke to Jared yesterday,” Alana confessed. Evan gave her a slight nod in response. “I feel really bad about what I did to him,” she continued. “He deserves so much better than this, you know. He’s a nice person and he-“ I spoke to him yesterday,” Evan said, realizing where Alana was going with this and wanting to cut her off before she could take it any further.

Alana sighed in relief. “So you two are…” she paused, trying to figure out the right way of putting things. “We’re okay now,” Evan assured her. Alana smiled warmly at Evan. 

“I’m glad,” she replied before quickly turning away. Although she tried to remain as quiet as possible, Evan still heard her small sniffle. 

Despite his better judgment, when he heard Alana start to cry, Evan reached out and placed his hand on hers. It was an impulsive reaction and almost as soon as their fingers touched, Evan wanted to pull away again. But as he felt a warm hand wrap tightly around his own, Evan found he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry to you too,” Alana whispered, her face still turned away from Evan. “I’m sure my actions hurt you as well.” Evan sighed and looked down at their interlocked hands. “You were trying to help. I do understand that,” he acknowledged. “What you did sort of sucked, but maybe it wasn’t entirely a bad thing. And Jared and I are okay now. We’re better than we were before. I don’t know what he told you the other day, but we’re going to be alright.”

Alana nodded silently. Evan’s voice seemed distant and tired, but he seemed to be telling the truth. There were a lot of questions Alana still had about what they had said to each other, but she bit her tongue and let it go.

The rest of the hour wait was spent in silence. It wasn’t necessarily a comfortable one, but it wasn’t painful either. Evan could feel his hand growing warm and wet the longer it stayed closed in Alana’s, yet he didn’t pull it away. 

Despite the unspoken words hanging thickly in the air between them, Evan still found Alana’s presence a grounding force and he guessed she felt the same way about him. Evan knew that when visiting hours finally started, the two of them would be going together. Neither one was going to be able to wait even a minute more.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As more people get involved, Jared and Evan must make a decision about what will remain a secret and what they are willing to share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for the late upload. I won't lie, I was sort of distracted by the wonders It Chapter 2 and Reddie, but Kleinsen will always hold a dear place in my heart and I'm never going to get sick of these beloved children.
> 
> I have future chapters mapped out, so the next upload should be out faster than this one. I'm not sure exactly how many more chapters there will be, but probably somewhere around 10. Thanks for your patience and enjoy the new chapter!

Connor wasn’t sure if he should feel relieved or even more stressed than before. Sure, he had finally talked to Zoe, but he was pretty sure that it couldn’t have gone worse. It was clear now just how afraid of him Zoe really was. How had they gotten to this point? When had they grown so far apart?

Connor couldn’t help but wonder when he had grown so distant from everyone else as a whole. He wondered if it was the same reason why he had lost the only real friend he ever had, because he was too afraid to let people in. Connor stared miserably down at his wrists. His days with Miguel seemed like a million years ago.

Eventually Connor’s mind drifted back to the situation at hand. The more he thought about it, the more Connor realized that neither he nor Evan had ever really let the other one in. Sure, he had been there to comfort Evan when he cried and sure, they had written that fake letter together, but their entire relationship seemed built on a lie.

Connor had told Evan that they could pretend like they had friends when he signed his cast. Maybe that’s all they really were to each other; just pretend friends. It would explain why things fell apart so quickly. But Evan did have real friends and Connor hoped he had done enough to help them find each other. He figured that he would need to continue to keep an eye on the situation, but hopefully Zoe would be able to unite Evan and Jared once more. And hopefully she would find friendship with the two of them in return. It seemed like a real possibility.

Connor had to admit that it felt sort of good to be helping others with their problems, but he still had no idea what to do about himself. Could someone like him actually find real friends? Did he deserve them? Once Evan, Jared, and Zoe were all doing okay, should he dare try to reach out to them again? Was there any way that doing that would turn out okay?

Connor was pretty sure that he wasn’t just going to stumble across the answers to these questions. But whatever. This wasn’t something he had to deal with just yet. For now, Connor just wanted to get stoned and forget the world. After everything that had gone down, Connor really just needed some time alone to clear his head.

————

Jared was beyond excited. His morning checkup determined that he was in good enough shape to leave the hospital that day. He still had to go to some sort of counseling session, but that wasn’t so bad. Maybe it would even help him sort out all his feelings. 

But at the moment, all he could think about was his promise with Evan that they would celebrate his release. Jared was already fantasizing about everything they would get to do together. Oh god, they had so much missed time to make up for.

Jared’s fantasies were interrupted as his door flew open. “I heard the good news!” Evan cried as he ran over to Jared. Jared laughed as a warm body tackled him onto his bed. 

“Careful there!” he scolded through the laughter. “I’m still delicate you know. Don’t want any more head injuries.” Evan sat up, concerned. “Are you okay?” he asked, his voice thick with worry. 

Jared laughed. “I’m fine,” he assured his friend. Then he shook his head. “No. I’m better than fine. I’m great. I’m amazing!” Jared’s laugh grew louder. “I’m so happy I could burst! My parents are taking me out to pizza and a movie and you’re welcome to come too. Oh god, I can’t remember the last time my family went out to do something like this. I can’t remember the last time you and I did something like this. Can you believe it, Evan? I thought everything was ruined when that letter was posted, but I feel on top of the world now!”

Jared’s celebration was interrupted by a concerned look from Evan and a quiet noise from the edge of his room. Turning to see what was going on, Jared realized that Evan was not the only one who had entered his room.

“I’m sorry,” a rather red-faced Alana said softly. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your moment. I can go now. I just wanted to see how you were doing.” Jared quickly shook his head before Alana could turn to leave. “Don’t worry about it,” he assured her. He then grinned. “I’m sure my parents would be happy to let you come along too. They would probably be thrilled to learn that I was friends with someone so smart and high achieving. They might think some of that brilliance and dedication will rub off on me.”

Jared gave a lighthearted laugh, but Alana couldn’t help but feel a little bad. Didn’t Jared’s parent know how amazing he was just the way he was? Also, “Are you sure your parents will be okay with you hanging out with the person who posted your letter?” Alana asked nervously.

Jared just shrugged. “I never told them who posted it and I don’t think they’re tech savvy enough to figure it out on their own. It’s fine. I’ll vouch for you if you need me to. I’m sure Evan will do the same, right Ev?” Jared asked. Evan nodded emphatically. He was glad to see that Alana and Jared actually seemed to be getting along. Jared really deserved to have some more friends and Alana did seem like a nice person despite her mistake.

“See,” Jared proclaimed. “Now you have nothing to worry about. So come join me and Ev while we celebrate. It will be fun!” Realizing that there was really no reason to object, Alana found herself agreeing. “I’d be happy to join you Jared. I really am thrilled to hear that you’re doing better. And hopefully nothing like this will ever happen again, but if you do ever feel bad again, well, you can talk to me, okay. I promise I won’t make it worse next time.”

Jared and Evan exchanged a glance, each wondering if they should say something. If Alana was going to join in on the celebration, did it make sense to tell her the truth? Alana gave them a puzzled look in response, clearly confused as to what she was missing.

Before either boy was able to make a decision on what to say, much less actually explain anything to Alana, a third visitor appeared outside Jared’s door. “Hi,” Zoe said awkwardly. “There was something I wanted to talk to you about. Is now an okay time?” she asked. 

At first Jared assumed that Zoe was talking to Evan and turned to him for a response. “Ev,” he prompted gently before realizing that Zoe’s eyes were locked onto him. “I can come back later if it isn’t,” Zoe assured, her eyes still locked directly onto Jared. “There’s just something important I heard about your letter and I wanted to ask you about it. It’s nothing bad, I promise. I just want to know the truth.”

Jared felt his throat go dry. Zoe said this wasn’t something bad, but how could it not be? And even if it really was just an innocent question, Jared would still need to make up some sort of lie again. He really hated the idea of go further into the rabbit hole when he was finally starting to climb his way back out.

“If it’s not a good time, I can come back later,” Zoe assured Jared. “Is this a conversation that needs to be private?” Jared asked looking around at Evan and Alana. If it were just Evan in the room, he probably would have told Zoe just to say whatever it was out loud to the both of them, but with Alana in the room as well, Jared wasn’t sure.

“Umm,” Zoe began. Her eyes also wandered over to Alana who was trying her best, but failing to keep a smile plastered across her face. “Why don’t I just head out for now,” Alana offered. “I would love to take you up on your offer though. Please let me know when and where to meet you.” 

Alana turned to leave, but stopped when she heard a loud “wait!” Jared strained upwards in his bed, poised to hop out and try to grab her. “Wait,” he said again. “Anything that Zoe has to say can be said in front of my friends. I don’t mind.”

Zoe bit her lip and gave Jared a meaningful look. “Are you sure?” she asked, trying to silently convey her worry. Jared turned once more to Evan, a silent plea in his eyes. For a moment, Evan only closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Jared could practically feel his nerves working overdrive, but before he could tell Evan to forget it, Evan opened his eyes once more and gave him a slight nod.

With a sigh of relief then a gulp of apprehension, Jared turned back to Zoe and nodded as well. “I’m sure,” he assured her. “Anything you have to say about that letter is something all three of its players should know about. And any of my secrets it might hold are things I want my friends to know.”

Evan smiled warmly at Jared and gave his hand a squeeze. He was absolutely terrified of what Zoe was about to say and he knew Jared was too, but they weren’t going to back down now. Whatever steps they took next, they would take together. And now it appeared that together included Alana as well.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you are enjoying my work so far! I promise that Alana and Zoe will become important characters eventually, but they won’t show up right away. I also will do my best to keep everyone in character and handle their various mental illnesses respectfully and accurately throughout the fic. I hope you will continue to enjoy my story as I continue to write it!


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